Jillibee'sness

A Pretty lost year and a half

18 months ago today, while I was out of town, my yorkiepoo Pretty ran away. The last one of the original signs came down yesterday. It was on a pole in front of my house. When I hung it, I was devastated; but I just KNEW we would get her back. 

 

I could barely sleep those early days. Every time I started to drift off, I would burst into tears. So I didn't willingly close my eyes. I worked tirelessly to find her - from the time my eyes opened until I just could not keep them open another second. 

 

I dreamed of her every time I slept. I kept the phone by my head. We got a lot of calls that first year, especially in the first six months. Just like an on duty fire fighter, I sprang awake and dashed out to answer every call. I put myself in a lot of risky situations. I can say in hindsight, I was not in my right mind. I was in my broken heart. 

 

Like this sign, my grief has aged and faded. Mercifully, those powerful emotions and constant adrenaline fueled reactions have receded. The overwhelming grief only comes in waves now. These waves are smaller and further apart. Although I look for her every single time I go out, it does not usually interrupt my day or hijack my thoughts like it did in the beginning when I quit my job and made finding Pretty my top priority.

 

Now when I get a call, I have to re-arrange my schedule to answer it. Before I race out, I have to evaluate the likelihood that she is actually the look alike who has been brought to my attention. 

 

I miss her every day and I still pray that somehow she will return or be miraculously discovered. I have had too many callous people say out loud what of course we all consider; but I do not sense she is dead. I do not believe she was eaten.

 

I wish I knew for a fact that she is still alive and being loved and cared for. If I knew that, I could live without the gift of her daily presence in our lives. God has filled the vacancy in our home; though the one in our hearts will never be filled. 

 

In some ways, I feel like this sign - worn out and weathered from this monumental but fruitless effort. But unlike this sign, my hope and faith is renewed every morning. I am not faded by the sun. My light shines from within. It is this belief and confidence of a greater Love and a greater purpose for every living being - which comforted me in my darkest hour and comforts me still. Pretty is lost to me. But God knows exactly where she is and has the power to care for her better than I ever could. Even if I don't know what it is, (though I have already seen glimpses of it); I believe she is fulfilling God's purpose for her life. 

 

I don't believe it's God's "fault" that Pretty ran away and out of reach, anymore than I believe that it is to my "credit" that she ever existed in the first place. We all have a story and a place in the Bigger Story. It's not always easy to grapple with that fact. But sometimes, little furry angels are brought into our lives to bring us these messages in ways we can accept.

 

~Jill Brehm Enders

Who Asked Me? (My first ever book review)

I'm finally feeling lots better.  I don't know why.  I have been trying everything.  Pain meds, sleep, old movies, new movies, prayer, and Oprah.  Nothing was working for the longest time.  Then all of a sudden something was working.  I wish I could put my finger on exactly what made me start to feel better, but then I could not exactly put my finger on what exactly started making me feel worse.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still on pain meds (weeeee) and getting tests and seeing specialists and starting to do all the things 40ish year old women do when they start to fall apart, but I feel so much better about it.

WARNING: This blog is not funny.  Or Interesting.  The only reason to read this is if you have been intrigued by Oprah's new book. Wait, that's not right.  The only reason to read this is if you are interested in what I think of Eckhart Tolle's new book.  This was even too dry for my mom who read every word.  I won't be hurt if you don't read this (I won't even know) and you won't be hurt by having wasted your time.  I just had to get this off my chest cause no one here cares what I think of this book and when the new world does come and it is all messed up I want to be able to point to this blog and say "I tried to warn you!"  So if you do read this despite this warning then let me say an advance "I tried to warn you!"

I have had time during this slump to read a lot, including Oprah's new religion, A New Earth.  I can't believe I read the whole thing.  That is really saying something.  I love to read and I love words and people who play with words and smart people I have to stand on my tiptoes to understand...as long as they have a heart to back it up.  I found this sorely missing in this book which is pretty glaring considering this is supposed to be a book about the soul. 

I had to tie my mind into lots of little knots to get into that world with him (this is typical for this genre I find).  I learned some special members only buzz words and phrases and could not refrain from reading passages out of context to my husband who has not read the book (nor any book) so did not know the language.  I often feel like New Age thought is like The Mad Hatter's Tea party.  Delightful and amusing but in an inside joke sort of way unself conscious, confusing or just irritating in its condescension of anyone who disagrees.  In Eckhart Tolle's book I have to really stay awake to follow the thread under the couch, around the dresser, down the hall, in the garden and down the street.  Or as I like to say, the points made are so circuitous and intentionally exotic it is like riding an elephant around the block to get to the house next door.  After I have waded through the special language of enlightened speech I find myself just wanting to say, "well, DUH!" 

Or I see a logical progression of thought go suddenly and terribly awry.  Let me try my hand at it:
I have noticed that there are 3 handicapped people near my neighborhood.  I know that someone living there is handicapped because these houses have ramps.  I have seen people in wheelchairs use these ramps to go into their houses.  There have been no wheelchairs riding into any of the houses without ramps.  Therefore I have concluded, wheelchair ramps cause lameness.  WHAT?  HUH?  AHHHHHHHHHH!

Sometimes I feel like the points made in this book are a breath of fresh air, and yet they are variations on an ancient theme said in a mist filled room to make them sound ethereal and new.  I am glad there are creative people looking at faith and God and love and life in fresh new ways.  The language of faith has gotten sort of worn out with improper use and been rendered impotent by being used thoughtlessly by careless people (or stabbed to death by needle point).   Therefore, if some of these truths can be coated in caramel and sprinkled with spicy middle eastern references, well, I have no objection to it.  What I object to is harder to articulate but the core of my being knows it is a slippery slope (which I worry less about than if the average Oprah watching demographic really had the time or ability to go where I feel this book suggests).

The premise is the evil of the ego.  The dawning of the New Earth (or was it the age of Aquarius?) involves an "awakening" of consciousness to a state of "being".  This state of being is grounded only in the present (The Power of NOW is another book by this author).  The universal energy that is God is like an electrical current we can hook our little lines into (or rather realize we are hooked into already) and the way to do this is through detaching from wanting and fearing and realizing that we ARE.  And that involves staying firmly planted in THE NOW.  The ego is public enemy number one.  Ideally we are not attached to anything or anyone and live our lives in one of three states: acceptance, joyfulness, or enthusiasm. 

OH and if I read it correctly there is a very scary little part in there about how we have an outgoing energy to our lives and and a returning (like the sea) and while the young are out going the elderly are returning and should not be enthusiastic the same way they were when they were younger. (BULL!)  (I hope I misunderstood this because this is dangerous - especially if the majority of people making end of life decisions or policies for the elderly believe that heaven is just a big recycling center as was suggested in another part of this book - if I understood it correctly). 

The other thing that drove me past my last nerve was this line:"It has been said (in the BIBLE) that 'God is love' but that is not absolutely correct.  God is the One Life in and beyond the countless forms of life.  Love implies duality: lover and beloved, subject and object.  So love is the recognition of oneness in the world of duality (huh?)  This is the birth of God into the world of form (huh?).  Love makes the world less worldly, less dense, more transparent to the divine dimension, the light of consciousness itself.(huh? HUH? AHHHHHHHH!!!!)"  (Italics mine).  (duh). 

I think this is just the New Age "we are all gods or god" line.   I have heard it before.

This is where I take off my Bible belt and bitch slap Eckhart Tolle.  I will spare you the rant but I believe in a God who cares at least as much about me as I do about my creations, (even the inanimate ones) in fact, He says he cares for us like little children, lost sheep, brothers, friends, and as a mother hen her little chicks. God is so personal and intimate as portrayed in the Bible, I'm almost a little embarrassed for Him.  Unrequited love can be so humiliating.  There is so clearly a Lover and a Beloved in this book.  Eckhart Tolle quotes the Bible frequently. I don't see how he can dispute the Bible in some places to prove one point and turn around and quote it to back up another.   He frequently claims to know what Jesus meant when he said this or that (apparently Jesus was a New Ager too).   I do believe no matter how it is marketed this is a religion of sorts.  I seem to quote this a lot, but it always comes back to Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so.  (Duality.  Lover.  Beloved.)  Where is the sweetness in "My true essence IS in the power of the ONE LIFE this I know (but don't feel any personal attachment or ego investment in) cause the time of awakening is upon us and Oprah tells us so". 

All I know for sure, is that God is Love.  God is the God of all comfort.  I have needed comfort lately. It is exceedingly more comforting to me to be the object of the Omnipotent affection and attention than to meditate on the truth that I am connected to the "One Life who is in and beyond the countless forms of life, being in the oneness in the world of duality".  So all that other stuff about God seeking us like a lover, staying faithful to us like a devoted lover when we stray, weeping over us, singing over us, delighting in us.  What is that if not personal?  (Again that is all in the Bible).

This is a very well educated man.  He is clever and interesting.  This book is full of all kinds of provocative thoughts on thoughts but misses the heart in all its messy, bleeding, human, adorably pitiful, trite and noble glory.  There are some good thoughts in this book to still an anxious mind, motivate to greatness, or put stupid things we regret into perspective.  What I find amusing is that while he denounces the ego he also appeals to it continuously by announcing that the "awakened" will usher in this new heaven and earth (Wow!  I want to be awakened!) and even praises those who have "awakened" in the final sentence of the book.  AND in case there is someone like me who disagrees, he has a bullet proof vest argument.  Not everyone is able to be awakened or abandon the strong pull of the ego.  I think that is the "Emperor's New Clothes" argument. 

Don't EVEN get me started on his glib insensitive summary of "the pain body" as an answer to life's misery.   PAIN BODY!!!  UGH!!!!!  Let's just blame the victim and then slug them if they act like victims. Here's a fun game.   Find a helpless, lost, confused, suffering person.  Tell them they have all the power.  Tell them that if they are enlightened this condition will not be able to torment them.  I think we could market it for a new reality game show.  It's the INSULT TO INJURY GAME!!

I must admit, there is always the shadow of doubt lingering that perhaps I misunderstood this philosopher.  He is so well read.  It is hard to argue with someone who quotes, the Bible, The Koran, The Tao, Nietzsche, Shakespeare, Emerson, Albert Einstein, and Jesus Himself.  I mean with all these people endorsing his book, who am I to argue?  All these people with opposing world views and theologies in ONE book endorsing and proving THE WAY.  I mean if you can get an atheist, a scientist, and Jesus Himself to agree, who am I to argue?  This is a virtual stone soup of great minds (and you are what you eat, apparently, because served chilled it leaves my heart stone cold). 

But of all the shining stars of revolutionary brilliance I have listed none is endorsing this book more heartily than dear saint Oprah.  It leaves me confused.  How could my patron saint of living room bite sized morsels of wisdom I have gobbled up all these years steer me wrong?  She's every woman!  She's LOST THE WEIGHT!  She MADE THE CONNECTION!!  I want to believe everything she says.   Truthfully at some level I want to believe everything everyone says and so I examine everything for some new way to live life.  I am a revolutionary at heart.  Perhaps I should re-consider this strong opinion I have shared.  Perhaps this is my ego rearing its ugly head trying to fool me into attachment to the things of this world.  Perhaps I am awakening..yes, I am... 

So I went to the temple of Oprah on Wednesday to study (perhaps I need to give away all I have to the poor, perhaps I need to live contentedly in a smaller house.  Eckhart Tolle said that when people awaken they often find that they must walk out of relationships and jobs that are ego manifestations of form over substance.  Yes.  Maybe I should join the Peace Corps).

Oprah newsletter: WEDNESDAY'S SHOW: How to Look Great at Any Age Are you looking too old or dressing too young? Your clothes could be aging you. Whether you're 30 or 60, learn how to look great at any age.

Wow.  I thought something inside me was crying out for awakening but the outsides of me were screaming my age so offensively loudly I was never able to get to sleep in the first place.  I learned a lot that day.  I learned that I need to spend between $600-$6,000 on ONE outfit to feel better about looking the way I look.  Here, I thought I had some weight to lose, but now I know better.  Even if I lose EVERY POUND ON MY BODY I will have problem areas that need hidden (basically all of me.  At 40ish on a budget and busy beyond belief, I am just one tired old problem area).   Before this show I never even thought about matchy matchy shoes and bags (Ages you.  Not a problem. I own 2 purses I don't carry either).  I can't show any cleavage cause I am too old.  My hair is too long and I have never dyed it. (Without my gold tones my complexion is washed out and tired.  Wow.  Who knew?)    Suddenly my poor ego, which I am in trouble for having,  feels worse than ever for being such an eyesore to the outside world. 

Wow, what a racket they are running.  Like the dentist who hands out candy, Oprah tweaks your ego and then has Eckhart Tolle tells you how to over come it.

P.S. I still like Oprah.  But there is this part that in the "pain body" section where he talks of the feminine pain body and in a list of things that have damaged women he lists things like rape, oppression, torture and child birth.  CHILD BIRTH?  I am offended by that one!!  Childbirth was the exact opposite of rape and torture and oppression.  Sigh.  Oprah, Oprah, I can't like this guy.  I'm sorry Oprah.

OMG, I'm hungry!

Remember back when I thought I would be just fine with this move thing?  That was almost yesterday but it seems like years ago.  Today I don't mind telling you, I am freaking out.  Yep.  Freaking out.  I know this is sounding more like a "My Space" entry than I would ever want, but OMG WTF am I going to do?

I thought it might be helpful to blahg about manna from heaven.  I've been thinking about those wandering Jews.  If you are not a Bible scholar you might be thinking about house plants.  I'm actually talking about the Israelites and their plight through the wilderness as I understand it from the Old Testament. 

From the stuff I have heard preached over the years, they have gotten a bad rap as being "stiff necked complainers".  But as I see it, they were having a reasonable reaction to a stressed out situation.  They were forced to move at a moment's notice because some ex-con who could make it rain frogs told them they had even less than 60 days to go.  So off they went.  Into the desert.  (Me?  I seem to be going off into the dessert, but we all handle anxiety in our own way).  Once there, they were forced to walk in circles because they were whiners and refused to believe things could get better.  They were forced to keep an open mind when this same guy with a stick told them that all they had to do to escape an angry mob, was walk through the ocean.  Because the doctors were busy and they had no health insurance when they got sick, they were forced to put their faith in such unconventional therapies such as looking up at a snake on a pole while people who didn't were dying right and left of them.  In the meantime they were following some stuttering hot head in the FREAKING DESERT!

I don't know about you, but I think if this were me I would DEFINITELY have had to sleep in the complainer's camp. 

Somewhere in this story, the people were famished and they received a gift of sweet bread (no, not "sweet breads") from heaven.  Manna.  This is a cool story because God tells them not to hoard it.  And the people who do anyway end up with rotten stuff in their tent.  There is a passage that says something like, "the people who did not hoard it ended up with more than they could hold (or had no end to their bounty) and those that did hoard it lost even that which they did have".  (Or something.  I'm not looking it up.  I think it's there.  I think it says that.  You look it up.  I'm cranky.   If I'm wrong about it you can blog your own version.)

The point is, even the Israelites ate compulsively when they were stressed out. 

OH, that's not the point?

Ok, the point is, that God provided sustenance for the lost people just when they needed it most.

So I have wondered about this.  I like it when Science and  theology agree with each other so I wonder about this kind of stuff a lot.  I have wondered what it might be that rains (or used to rain) from the sky in the Middle Eastern desert that you can eat but not save. 

There are many people who believe this was a one time thing God did for his special people.  Maybe.  I am ok with literal interpretations too.  Really, life is weird and mysterious and ordered and logical and whatever anyone wants to see.  So, I am fine with either possibility to be true.  It makes no difference in the way I live my life.  I am not standing in my back yard with my mouth open, waiting to be fed. 

But I am waiting for something.  I have been thinking lately that whatever this manna thing was, might have been happening every day in that desert anyway.  (If manna falls to the ground and no one is around to eat it, does it still make a taste?)  I would not tell just anyone this.  It would be blasphemy to some.  Now that I've already offended whomever I've offended I may as well go the whole distance.  Maybe the Jews WEREN'T so special after all...maybe the Christians or the Who's down in Whoville either.

OR maybe just the opposite.  Maybe EVERYONE is so special that God just randomly rains manna to whom it may concern because that's just the kind of God He is.  Maybe we wander around lost and bump into it just when we need it the most. Maybe God causes His sun to shine on the just and the unjust. That is absurd.  We all know only certain color states get the sun.  Who wrote that crap?  (It's in the Bible).

For me, the whales were my manna.  (It ALWAYS comes back to the whales with me. Too bad they were not manatees). They were not doing that dance by our boat on that day in honor of my birthday.  God did not steer that boat captain into that direction because He knew I would need that peak experience to get through some lean days of faith.  Those whales are doing that EVERY DAY somewhere, even now.  Those boats take people out there EVERY DAY to hopefully catch a glimpse of something even half that miraculous. 

So, I've concluded that miracles only happen when we show up every day and wander around with our eyes, ears and mouth open.  We bump into them.  If we try to hang on to them, they rot.  If we let them come and go and be what they are, they fill us completely.  It's all about God.  It's not all about God in the genie bottle granting whales to His praying people or all about us special people whom God rains whales down upon.  And yet, I ask. And I ask my friends to ask.  And I ask on their behalf.  And God answers.  And I thank Him even when it is a "no" cause I know it is a "YES!" to something else. 

This house to me was a "YES!" from God.  I needed a bigger house.  I asked for a bigger house.   For those of you in the Bay Area, I do not need to tell you why it would be easier to cross a desert than find an affordable 4 bedroom house in a nice area.   One day, after 5 years of searching, against many obstacles, God just said, "YES!".  I love this house for that reason alone. 

What is so great is that even though we will not have this house much longer, I will carry the "YES!" with me forever.  I don't need to hold  on to this house.  It is rotting in my stomach (or is that the cooky I ate compulsively...or at least reactively?)  It came.  It went.  God has shown me that He can say "YES!" to me with impossible odds against it.  I wish I knew where to start wandering for the next "YES!" house.  Sometimes I think it is back in the Midwest where houses are not the big "YES or NO!" issues but maybe the weather or some other factor is the target for the burning quest.   But I would be going without my husband so that "YES!" would be a "NO!" and we are not prepared for that possibility.  So I am wandering in circles and fighting the urge to taste sweet things because I KNOW that is not the manna I'm craving.

My marriage does not need this stress.  My children do not need this uncertainty.  My back does not feel up to it.  My finances are strained as it is.  My son is going off to life in LA and there is no nest for him to  empty and feel secure falling back on should things not work out. 

I haven't the foggiest idea where this is going to end up but I know how it is going to end up.  With a big fat "YES!"  Because somewhere in this world there are whales dancing and Mars has a frozen lake on it (my son showed me the picture) and my 2 year old is not a bit concerned about where his next meal is coming from nor how many square feet = $3,000 in CA verses OH.  So, if my toddler has the faith not to worry, who am I to complain? 

Ok, nice try...but I'm still freaking out.  It helped a little to write this down.  But not a lot.  I guess I just have to be ok freaking out while I go through the every day motions of what is the next best thing to do and vice versa.  No matter what my inner Jew is screaming, I'll trust the Big Guy  with the big stick to show up at exactly the right time to part the sea of doubt or raise the snake of faith or feed my weary soul on something new that falls out of the sky.  In the meantime, I guess I will have to write from my heart the only thing I can really say at a time like this, "OMG like, HELP!! ASAP!"  (I am SURE that's in the Bible AND on "My Space").

Yule blog

I had a great Christmas. I hope you did too!

I had a tough couple of weeks before Christmas.  In addition to the usual Christmess I get myself into by worrying about doing ALL the right Christmas things right, it seems lots of my friends are blowing up lately. 

I have a friend who filed for divorce this month and one who is trying hard not to against insurmountable odds.

I have a friend who is dying of cancer and leaving a couple of kids whom I have directed in shows and of course grown fond of.  She has been given two months.  I can't decide what to do to help them and not knowing has left me paralyzed. Her husband must not know what to do either, cause he decided he could not stay around and so he just left them all.  While praying for these poor kids and thinking about how horrible it must be for a mother to have to leave her kids; I am still struggling to understand my other friend who decided in her pain and desperation not to stay alive for her kids and I wish she could have traded in her hours to someone else if she were going to check out early.  I don't mean to be insensitive.  Both women and children were/are suffering.  Both husbands left the suffering women in their hour of need. 

I have a friend who has a physically and mentally handicapped son and my wonderful talented friend and his salt of the earth wife continue to struggle with the reality of the constant crisis of their son's condition which has escalated lately.

I have an acquaintance with a brain tumor and two middle school kids.  Her husband had open heart surgery this week for a dangerously damaged heart.

I have three close friends who lost their parent this year and one of them just a day before Christmas.  Not a lot of glad tidings of good news this year. 

Truth be told, all of this was augmented by my own physical limitations and the stress of having a husband in a high pressure newish job who leaves no stone unturned nor i undotted or t uncrossed, before he comes home late to relieve me of the duties of 3 flu sick kids spread over 5  busy weeks. 

See?  I feel sorry for everyone, including myself.

In a moment of "too muchness" I was praying one of those prayers that are best done prostrate with legs and arms flailing.  In other words, I was having a spiritual temper tantrum.  I asked a question I have asked many times before while pondering the injustices of life:

"God, WHERE ARE YOU in this situation?"

I am not schizo and I am not special, but this time, I swear I heard a very calm answer to my question.

"You are asking the wrong question.  Where is this situation IN ME?"

That changed everything.  Of course.  Of course.  Life is not the destination.  It is the line to get in.  Or as I have thought before, life is not Disneyland.  Life is the line to get into Disneyland.   Imagine if none of us had ever been to Disneyland and those who had could not come out again.  We were in this line because maybe some of us had heard tell of it, and others just stood in line without knowing what they were in line for.  Imagine how it would be while we were waiting day after day in the blistering sun and pounding rain for our turn to get in.  It would be better for those who knew there was a line than those who just thought this was all there was.

Imagine if someone we loved was admitted into Disneyland but not knowing for sure that was what was on the other side of the turnstyle we wailed and flailed at the loss of our loved one and the injustice in the timing of their disappearance.

Even while waiting in line, there are the daily beauties of a rainbow or a sunset or a beautiful day.  Following the loss of your loved one, you would feel sad to not have the privelege of sharing this beauty with your beloved. 

And what if having pity on the people in line, the proprietors of Disneyland sent out some refreshments and maybe even a character or two to entertain.  I think the person who had lost their loved one might say, "Oh how they would have LOVED THIS!  What a shame they are not around to enjoy all this and they were taken before they could even experience any of this"; never for a second imagining that it is just a taste of the amazing magical kingdom the beloved is enjoying on the other side of the gates. 

Maybe comparing Heaven to Disneyland is goofy, but I think about it a lot and it gives me peace. 

I get very bothered by injustice.  It is common for people to answer my complaints by saying "life is not fair!"  I hate that.  I remember the first time I ever heard it.  An unattractive high school coach was saying it because she felt that if life were fair she would look like Liz Taylor.  I think that is totally missing the point of life.  I even thought so then.  How stupid.  How shallow.  However, I was bothered by it cause I think it is untrue.  My reply to her was "I don't care if life is unfair, as long as heaven is fair".  I believed that at 15 with no help (or hurt) from church.  I still believe it.  It just seems like that's the whole point.

SO what am I saying?  I expect to be skinny in heaven?  I expect to be organized in heaven?  No, although in my stupid dailyness of living I think these things matter more than they actually do.  I guess what I am saying is that if heaven is to earth as Disneyland is to the line outside of Disneyland; then I won't care a bit about how I measure up to the others in that line, what I am wearing on the day I get admitted nor anything big or small that happened on the way in.  I'll be having too much fun getting my mind blown by the special effects and the thrill of hugging the fuzzy characters I somehow feel I've owned and known all my life though never actually met in person.

So this is my Christmas wish to you (and to me, frankly) in the season of hope when hope seems to be in short supply. Whatever you are going through big or small, I hope that somehow knowing it is NOT the whole story will give you peace.  Even for someone like me who desperately wants to be the author of my story and the protagonist in it; it is a tremendous relief to remember that I am just another beloved character in the heart and mind of the Creator.  It's a small world, after all.  God bless us every one!

Wandering Pet Peeve

I've been thinking about the tendency in some Christian people I know to put themselves down. I don't mean in the fun, throw a pie in your own face sort of way people do who like to tease but don't want to tease other people. I like that kind of self deprecation. I am perfecting it.

What I am talking about is the "Jesus loathes me, this I know" OR "Jesus loves me, I'm a schmoe" way. I am wondering in this sack cloth and ashes season of lent why they do that.

[This blog is not about lent, but I bring up an interesting topic. I want to diverge a second. I don't typically give up anything for lent (though it would be interesting to give up lint for lent and stop doing laundry). I have tried to observe lent, but since I try unsuccessfully to give something up every day of the year the pressure of failing for Jesus at Easter time becomes far more than I can bear. So I gave up lent for Lent. I have been trying to give up something lately, but it is not something I like. I am trying to get out of the habit (not like a nun gets of a habit) of apologizing for things I have no control over, like when someone bumps into MY breast, or yawns and I think I have bored them or kept them up too long (not usually the same person or the same occurrence, thank God. My sexual self esteem would not take that sequence well). Apologizing when it is not your fault makes you seem arrogant AND sniveling (it's possible). I both rule the universe and control everyone around me, and I'm sorry for doing such a lousy job at it. Or said another way, I'm god, I'm just a really bad one].

Hey, maybe I wandered back onto the point. I think the mistaken perception of power and control is maybe why some Christians hate themselves for being human. It is a kind of warped pride or ravenous humility. Maybe it is like a self esteem cancer cell, a mutated understanding of their insignificance in comparison to a MAJOR DEITY. Maybe it is like an immune problem or an allergy that fights arrogance and then goes too far and sees arrogance everywhere. Whatever it is, I think God must be annoyed with it too. I of course don't know that for sure.

I don't really know if God even gets annoyed, but I feel that maybe I can speak for Him on this topic because I own a cat. I have given some thought to what I would do if I came home and found my cat chewing himself all up. I would hate that. If I were really like God and could speak cat (I am fairly certain God can speak cat, though many cats think it is the other way around), I would hear my cat saying, "I am so unworthy. I am a cat. I am not a human. Don't look upon me. I will keep trying to be human. In the meantime, you must hate me. I hate me. I am just this mouse chasing, litter box using, hair ball coughing cat".

If I were like God and could speak cat I would try to answer him thusly, "duh".

(I would not make a very eloquent god).

I don't mean any blasphemy here. I just think that people who are worried that if they make too much of themselves they will outshine God are cheating themselves, us, and God out of a really good shiny human. God does not need us to dumb ourselves down or slump so we don't over shadow Him. He's God. He likes shiny stuff. He IS shiny stuff. Stand up straight, quit apologizing, and shine away you slumpers! (I am pretty sure that one is in the Bible somewhere or at least should be. If not, I'll send Him a note on that).

I have a similar pet peeve with people (and a people peeve with pets) who tell you how horrible their circumstances are and then quickly say, "But I'm blessed and God is good" as if they need to be God's Public Relations department. I think that it is enough to say, "life sucks now and God is the only thing that makes it suck less". I really think that is ok. Sometimes life does suck. Even the Bible says it (though it is in a much more eloquent version than the one I just quoted).

I don't really speak for God. I tried that for a while in my 20's and He made me sound like an ass. (Does anyone know their Bible well enough to know why this is clever? Hint: He actually made an ass speak once). I used to be afraid to even write things like this. I might still be, a little. I am dreadfully afraid of being unloved by God or by you my perceived loving readers. Being controversial on someone as controversial as God is risky. What if I am wrong, and I am not loved and I am committing blasphemy so even God has no choice but to stop loving me? Wow, I guess my life would suck (but I'd be blessed cause God is good). If no one loved me, I guess that would mean I am a horrible writer (cause I am not the Father, Son, or the Holy Ghost Writer). Wow. What a blow, to both be unloved by God and to be a bad God yourself.

See how messed up thinking like that is? I sure hope no God nor man would give me that kind of power. I sure hope no one expects me to be right nor to write right all the time. (It's not even reasonable to expect me to write all the time). So then I guess it's all right if only God knows what's right all the time. And Lord knows, I am not God (don't tell my cat I said that, though).