Jillibee'sness

New Mission Position

I decided I should revise my mission statement.  I wrote that first one a few years and a couple hundred posts ago.  I am older, deeper, and wiser now.  I have changed.  My kids are a little older and so I am able to more clearly express my views than I was in the early days - when I would frantically scratch something in Blahgville to leave a mark, so that someone would know I had been here. 

1.  My new mission statement is pretty much everything I said in my old one, except I would take time to punctuate.  I can get kind of confusing without at  least using a comma, for Grammar's sake!  I have learned that like gravity, the laws of Grammar do apply to me too.  I will try to remember and/or re-learn them. (In the meantime expect well intended misuse of commas, dashes and semi-colons). (I am trying to phase out my over use of parenthesizes).  (Old habits die hard). 

I recently read the rules I was breaking on a social networking site, and went rigid with terror at my blunders.  It zapped the joy right out of me for a few seconds.  This same gripping terror over takes me when I read a fashion magazine, age statistic, BMI chart, or hear the Biblical interpretations of some of the people who are so positive they are right; that they devote their entire lives to reinforcing that belief.  (It has been my experience, by the way, that stable elements don't require as much reinforcement).  I am a sucker for authority and feel sucker punched when I encounter a particularly rigid authoritarian.  Because I regret that which I have not done; not that which I have done - I hereby instate item 2:

2. If I read the rules and find out once again that I am probably doing "it" wrong; I am going to keep doing "it" my way until I know a better way. Not doing "it' at all is the much bigger risk to me at this stage in my game.

I still want to lead by example. If I am doing anything that Glorifies the Creator; I encourage you to do the same.  If I am glorifying something else; just don't do it!  I am going to tell the truth whether I am hitting or missing the mark.  The only difference now is that I have found, from blogging along over the years, that I often have no idea which marks I missed and which ones I hit.  It happens beyond my sight; and by the time I go to reclaim my arrows, God has changed the game to croquet. 

3. I promise to tell you only what I know and believe now - and not what I think I used to believe, and would still believe, if I had not gotten so far away from the origin of some TRUE belief.  (Because, if it had actually BEEN a TRUE belief I would not have been able to get away from it.  True belief gets YOU; not the reverse).

In closing, I think i will keep trying to use fewer words to say more.  I expect myself to fail at this one.  It would require editing and this is not the place I want to work that hard.

4.  If it stops being fun, I will stop doing it.

Thank you for reading, whoever you are!  Extra thanks for those of you who tell me who you are.  You make this even more meaningful than I could have anticipated when I began this adventure.  As always and above all else - THANK YOU MOM and Dad (even though I suspect she is reading these to you whether you want her to or not)!  Everyone should have these parents! (Then we would all be siblings and none of us could procreate). (NOT such a good idea after all come to think of it).

Still trying to figure out and live this LOVE thing,
Jillibee

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blog

I am finally doing this.  After years of soulfull searching and countless dollars spent in therapy to unravel and correct the wrongness of me, I have, thanks to the consistent urging of my dear friends and family, decided to embrace all that is me and broadcast it to whom it may concern. Therapy has taught me that what I most needed to change was my need to change. Friends have taught me that what is not dangerous in a friend is delightful and if you speak your truth in love no one needs to nor wants to shut you up for speaking it.  Family has taught me that the thing I am most embarrassed about will be the thing they miss most about me when I die.   

So, here I am, no-holds-barred (whatever that means) straight on, full-octane JILL!  Yes, I run the risk of doing the equivalent of scrawling a slur on the restroom wall about myself (but I assure you I will be doing so with so many more words).  Yes, I fear that I am not "right" but at this stage of the game I have decided that if I ain't broke, why am I shopping at the Dollar Tree. If I ain't fixed why break it (cause breaking hurts and you're never quite right after that) and anyway why fix it when you can broadcast it?  (This could all change if I decide to stop living in denial or have some other epiphany but for today that is my credo). 

With this blog, if others are comforted because I set the bar very low, then humanity has been served and I am a success.  If others are warned by my self delusion and vain ambitions that lead only to frustration then I have lived a noble life as a sign post.  If no one reads these and I am entertained by the fantasy that I have touched even one person, I am no worse off, and my dear husband will be better off because this verbal font will find other word weary souls to quench.  (This poor man is drenched after many years of sleeping with a word geyser). 

So, here it will be..the good the bad the ugly, the me.   I don't ever want to offend anyone.  I am hideously trained to perform for food and a rub on the nose.  I sit on street corners with a sign saying "will work for praise".  But I am 40 now.  It is high time I have an opinion (if you don't mind).  If you do mind, check back tomorrow because I will most certainly have changed my position and offended someone else who I will not offend some other day.  I am not deep or committed enough to be dangerous.  I just like to think about things and I like to write down all the things that sparkle in my head until something shinier comes along.  I almost never mean anything but I want to be taken seriously because there is deep meaning in what I say.  I am completely convinced of my importance as a spokesperson for someone who is pretty insignificant.  I'm scared of weirdos so if you are weird don't bother me.  I am as weird a person as I want to be around. 

I am just writing this because people I love very much say they want to read this stuff and I love to write and wonder if some day I might even find someone who can help me figure out how the real world works so I can use my weirdness to make money or better yet just deal with all the real world stuff for me and give me money so I can just sit around and be weird all the time. But for now, this is something I do when i am not doing everything else so who knows how often I will get to do it.  But I am glad I get to do it and grateful for the people who put me up to this.  You are more than I deserve and everything I treasure!
Love is my motivation,
Jill