I get to spout off once a month on whatever I want to spout off about to a cherished group of homeschooling parents. Anything that happens once a month has the potential to be a pain or at best is patiently endured. My monthly musings are in that category for some I suspect but I feel lucky to get to do it. I want to share my latest blot and a song I just made up. I hope you enjoy it. And remember, no real family members or pets were or are in danger of being injured as long as I have an outlet for my frustration. So read and share my blogs...you'll be helping a whole family.
I don't have much time to write this month. I am behind on all my Christmas stressing. I know there is some controversy with the word "Christmas" and so I will find a different word to describe my insanity this time of year. It does, after all, have very little to do with the birth of any kind of deity and everything to do with being the perfect mother/neighbor/daughter while being driven perfectly mad. I think I will use the word "Thismess" to describe the state I work myself into this time of year.
To be non-religious I won't tell you that "Thismess" for me, a semi-religious person, carries the added weight of completely missing the "reason for the season" and other pithy guilt producing bumper stickers. Even without God being mad at me for missing His son's birthday, I feel like crap this time of year for not measuring up to the hype of the season. For instance, I don't have any money this year so I could not save the money I don't have buying things my kids don't need the day after Thanksgiving. I am supposedly throwing a Christmas party this weekend, but I didn't get around to inviting people till the very last minute and so far all I have done to get ready for it is wash the cushion of my brand new couch that my cat peed on. Oh and I spent two days in bed worrying that now it won't be the best party ever and feeling sorry for myself that I have so much on my "to do" list, starting with "get out of bed". I can't find a cheap flight to go over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house and it will pretty much kill her when I tell her so unless some last minute Christmas miracle takes the place of "Thismess" reality.
I have been a crab all week and threatened to leave my husband when he squeaked out that he was tired of hearing me whine about the couch and it was never his idea we have a party in the first place. I bet this would work to the tune of the "12 Days of Christmas?"
12 Days of Thismess (best sung really fast to the tune of the real version)
By Jill Brehm Enders
On the first day of Thismess my true love yelled to me, "The couch cushion's full of cat pee!"
On the second day of Thismess my true love yelled at me, "Don't yell at me for the couch cushion full of cat pee!"
On the third day of Thismess my true love said to me, "I'm sick of your whining, don't yell at me for the couch cushion full of cat pee!"
On the fourth day of Thismess my true love begged of me, "Call off the party, sick of your whining, don't yell at me for the couch cushion full of cat pee!"
On the fifth day of Thismess my true love informed me, "You need counseling!
Party's been called off, you're whining, don't yell at me, for the couch cushion full of cat pee!"
On the sixth day of Thismess my true love sighed at me, "In bed all day you're laying, you need counseling! Party's been called off, you're whining, don't yell at me, for the couch cushion full of cat pee!"
On the seventh day of Thismess my true love blasphemied, "Why did God make women? All day in bed you're laying. You need counseling! Party's been called off, you're whining don't yell at me for a couch cushion full of cat pee!"
On the eighth day of Thismess my true love scolded me "Get off your butt you're sulking. Why did God make women? All day in bed you're laying. You need counseling! party's been called off you're whining don't yell at me for a couch cushion full of cat pee!"
On the ninth day of Thismess my true love chided me, "The baby should have pants on, get off your butt you're sulking, why did God make women? All day in bed you're laying. You need counseling! Party's been called off you're whining don't yell at me for a couch cushion full of cat pee".
On the 10th day of Thismess my true love questioned me, "Why are the cats bleeding? The baby should have pants on, get off your butt you're sulking, why did God make women? All day in bed you're laying. You need counseling! Party's been called off you're whining don't yell at me for a couch cushion full of cat pee!"
On the 11th day of Thismess my true love questioned me, "Why are you smiling? Why are the cats bleeding? The baby should have pants on, get off your butt you're sulking, why did God make women? All day in bed you're laying. You need counseling! Party's been called off you're whining don't yell at me for a couch cushion full of cat pee!"
On the 12th day of Thismess my true love gasped at me, "Did I just eat poison? Why are you smiling? Why are the cats bleeding? The baby should have pants on. Get off your butt you're sulking! Why did God make women? All day in bed you're laying. You need counseling! Party's been called off you're whining don't yell at me for a couch cushion full of cat pee!"
I probably need some sort of intervention or a weekend away which ever comes first. I hope you are all doing much better than I am and if you sent me your Christmas card already you are probably NOT my real friend. You KNOW what that does to me! So, in this pentultimate time of year let me be the very first EVER to wish you a MERRY THISMESS!
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