Jillibee'sness

A Pretty lost year and a half

18 months ago today, while I was out of town, my yorkiepoo Pretty ran away. The last one of the original signs came down yesterday. It was on a pole in front of my house. When I hung it, I was devastated; but I just KNEW we would get her back. 

 

I could barely sleep those early days. Every time I started to drift off, I would burst into tears. So I didn't willingly close my eyes. I worked tirelessly to find her - from the time my eyes opened until I just could not keep them open another second. 

 

I dreamed of her every time I slept. I kept the phone by my head. We got a lot of calls that first year, especially in the first six months. Just like an on duty fire fighter, I sprang awake and dashed out to answer every call. I put myself in a lot of risky situations. I can say in hindsight, I was not in my right mind. I was in my broken heart. 

 

Like this sign, my grief has aged and faded. Mercifully, those powerful emotions and constant adrenaline fueled reactions have receded. The overwhelming grief only comes in waves now. These waves are smaller and further apart. Although I look for her every single time I go out, it does not usually interrupt my day or hijack my thoughts like it did in the beginning when I quit my job and made finding Pretty my top priority.

 

Now when I get a call, I have to re-arrange my schedule to answer it. Before I race out, I have to evaluate the likelihood that she is actually the look alike who has been brought to my attention. 

 

I miss her every day and I still pray that somehow she will return or be miraculously discovered. I have had too many callous people say out loud what of course we all consider; but I do not sense she is dead. I do not believe she was eaten.

 

I wish I knew for a fact that she is still alive and being loved and cared for. If I knew that, I could live without the gift of her daily presence in our lives. God has filled the vacancy in our home; though the one in our hearts will never be filled. 

 

In some ways, I feel like this sign - worn out and weathered from this monumental but fruitless effort. But unlike this sign, my hope and faith is renewed every morning. I am not faded by the sun. My light shines from within. It is this belief and confidence of a greater Love and a greater purpose for every living being - which comforted me in my darkest hour and comforts me still. Pretty is lost to me. But God knows exactly where she is and has the power to care for her better than I ever could. Even if I don't know what it is, (though I have already seen glimpses of it); I believe she is fulfilling God's purpose for her life. 

 

I don't believe it's God's "fault" that Pretty ran away and out of reach, anymore than I believe that it is to my "credit" that she ever existed in the first place. We all have a story and a place in the Bigger Story. It's not always easy to grapple with that fact. But sometimes, little furry angels are brought into our lives to bring us these messages in ways we can accept.

 

~Jill Brehm Enders

THE SOCIALIZATION

It happened again.  I was sitting with a group of strangers making small talk.  It was going well. There was a woman (besides me) who was dominating the conversation, but that is ok because it provides material for the rest of us.  Suddenly, someone asked me about school and I confessed to home schooling.

Dominatrix looked me right in the eyes and said with a smirk, "I taught school for 20 years".  Then she stared at me (this is exactly how it happens every time); as if I were going to say "Well, I think teaching is a waste of time and you are an idiot for wasting your life like that". (Which is not what I believe by the way).   I said nothing.  So she started asking me about the socialization, while my kids were playing with the other kids at the party near by (and crying because someone spoke directly at them and did not wash their hands first).  (That last part was a joke).

Then my daughter, a normal, ok above average looking, tweenager in lederhosen (again I am kidding about that part) approached the table.  The woman looked at her and asked, "Do you like home schooling?"  To which my daughter replied, "most of the time" while spelling out "Please contact the authorities" with napkins.

Then for the rest of the conversation I was under suspicion.

I wonder if this would happen in any other context.

"We're Christians".

"OH YEAH?  WELL I HAVE BEEN AN ATHEIST FOR 20 years!  What about the open mindedness?"

"We're vegetarians"

"OH YEAH?  Well I have been a butcher for 20 years!  What about the protein?"

"We're democrats"

"OH YEAH?  Well I have been a republican for 20 years!  What about the environment?"

"We're musicians"

"OH YEAH?  Well I have been tone deaf for 20 years!  What about the socialization?"

I think the next time someone says "I HAVE BEEN A TEACHER FOR 20 YEARS" I will beat them to it and say "what about the socialization?"  Maybe they can explain themselves to ME next time.  I love teachers.  I loved my teachers and some of best friends are teachers (and some of my best teachers are friends...HI JANE!)  In fact, my parents were teachers and my Dad worked for the Ohio Education Association.  (Hi Dad!)  I have nothing at all against teachers.  I have nothing at all against public school (except maybe what time it starts).  I just like home schooling and my kids want to do it. 

Maybe next time someone asks me about the socialization I will just snap back "are you calling my kid a nerd?" 

What exactly is "THE SOCIALIZATION" anyway?  Is this a secret society that I am so out of touch with I don't even know exists?  Maybe "THE SOCIALIZATION" is the club you join to be thin, rich and popular.  Maybe "THE SOCIALIZATION" is like the homeowner's association and there is a pool somewhere we aren't swimming in.  Maybe I AM cheating my kids out of "THE SOCIALIZATION".  I will have to investigate this further.

In the meantime, be warned - if you don't know me, and you decide to publicly challenge how I raise my kids, or quiz them about my parenting, I won't like talking to you and I will blog about you even if it gets me black listed from "THE SOCIALIZATION".

For the record, the 'SOCIALIZATION' appears to encourage anti-social habits like openly criticizing other parents for exercising their right to educate as they see fit. But far be it from me to point that out...

Spring semester parent report

It occurred to me that with all the mememememememe of me singing I have not taken much time to blog about parenting or home schooling.  I know some of you only started reading this because of my TVE newsletter so all this self talk may feel like I am a master at bait and switch.  (oh please someone besides "First Wife" catch that hidden innuendo which I am intentionally avoiding so as not to offend, and not be offended if you do catch it).

The kids and I are in our spring mode...  Funny how you discover modes even when you think you are re-inventing yourself year after year.  Our typical yearly pattern is to buy stuff in late August and plan stuff and make vows to do even better and "really buckle down this year" and then go gang busters from Sept-Halloween. Halloween - New Year's we do more creative things and try to squeak out the basics when guilt commands it.  Then we come back with renewed enthusiasm in January which lasts till about April when we start sort of loosey goosing again.  Summer is the time to do the stuff we did not do much of before, so this summer they will be taking Science and art at a College for Kids Program. 

The new thing this year is that the kids have been getting up every day and putting in 2-3 hours ON THEIR OWN before I am even willing to see the sun.  Because they are motivated to home school and know that my attention is diverted (let me count the ways) they have stepped up to the plate and structured their own study time.  Every day they hit all the subjects with the grade appropriate books I have supplied (reading, cursive, grammar, math, science and history).  It is sort of boring to me in some ways because we are not building it from the ground up with toothpicks and silly putty or digging in the back yard for it, but frankly, it is all I can muster this year. Grade, correct, instruct where they missed it, keep my eyes open in case something in our life piggy backs on what they have been learning but mostly just ask, "did you do your BLAH?  Any questions?" 

That is very different from the way we used to do it. "Hey kids, look over here, let's go to this, how about a that?" and lots of co-ops or workshops with other home school people in subjects we may or may not be as interested in personally.   It is a strange thing to have my children take the reins from me and learn things without the filter or funnel of my experience and interest.  It happened with my oldest too but that was a little different.  Also he started out in Public School so by the time I got him in fifth grade he could already find more information on his own than I knew how to access and he never felt particularly inclined to ask my permission to learn.

With these two who have always been home schooled, it felt more collaborative.  I mean, I practically  taught them everything they knew for the first few years.  Once they learned to love to learn and could read fluently, it all changed.  I guess that is the price to pay for teaching them to read.  My 3 year old is actually interested in reading and even plugging along at an appropriate pace with the phonics book.  I like it, he likes it, it is just a game we play together.  It is so amazing to watch your children "get it" and start reading.  But it is also the end of my reign as the source of stories and filter of information.  Once they can read, they can begin being shaped and transformed by the information they experience and no mother any where can stay on top of all that.

The mere fact that I feel any desire to do so has been the start of an epiphany.  As I watch my oldest son becoming more solidly himself and less rigidly our family (or rebellious anti-family) I have to marvel at the ways he is different from anything I could ever have known, let alone planned for him to be.  In some cases I wince as he dashes dogma, politics or etiquette against the rocks and smashes them to smithereens in front of my eyes.  But in other cases there is just this settling in of his own world, his own time, his own self that expands my understanding of life exponentially. It makes me want to be more solid in the remnants of my own world, my time (which is fading to make way for this new generation) and my self.  I never intentionally abandoned any of this, nor do I feel regret for having done so, but I am more acutely aware of the necessary schism between the generations.  (This is a good time for the Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young song to start playing in the back ground..."teach your children well...")

As I think this through with you, I realize how much this realization has impacted my approach with the others.   I used to feel like I had to be in every moment with them to shape and protect and inform them about this world.  I felt personally responsible to foster their innate potential in the perfect nature/nurture synthesis.  I never took credit for their success (that just seemed inevitable if I did my job right) but I did accept responsibility for all their missteps (as a dropped ball on my part some how).  I did not realize this was my approach but upon reflection, this has been my compass and my barometer and at times my task master.  I think now that is a dumb way to go about shepherding little people with a will/mind/life of their own. 

To punctuate this life lesson a poignant metaphor is being played out in our house right now.  While my back was turned parentally (while in LA) my husband took the kids on a hike.  They ventured off the path.  They got poison oak.  They are itching and miserable.  While comforting them, there was still this "not on my watch" smugness about the whole thing.  In 21 years no child of mine has gotten poison oak.  I know better than to let them venture off the path.  In fact, I was annoyed that no one listened to me cause if they had, they would have known to stay on the path.  Now, I did not particularly fear poison oak, it was rattle snakes and tarantulas I was worried about (yep we have them).  But this is bad and avoiding the snakes and spiders would have kept them safe from poison oak too.  Yet my husband, the one who teaches kids to ride bikes and looks away while they explore their world without feeling tethered to the peril lurking, has allowed my kids to throw sticks in lakes, climb trees and share this horrible itch with the friend who came along with them on this adventure.  The rash will fade but the memories will not.  Sometimes you have to stray off the path and figure out what you think of the path.  Moms, (I) am not very good at this part.

So while I re-evaluate my road to raising healthy people and ease up on the clutch a little; I am concerned that I will steer them wrong or fall asleep at the wheel.  And yet, as someone who follows her intuition in life, it seems the right way to go.  I will try to stay alert though, and be prepared to make a U-Turn at any safe, authorized opportunity.  After all, I think that is probably the very best skill I can model for any one.

SF Chronicle article on home schooling

Homeschoolers' setback sends shock waves through state

                                                                 

Bob Egelko, Jill Tucker, Chronicle Staff Writers

Friday, March 7, 2008

(03-07) 04:00 PST LOS ANGELES --

A California appeals court ruling clamping down on homeschooling by parents without teaching credentials sent shock waves across the state this week, leaving an estimated 166,000 children as possible truants and their parents at risk of prosecution.

The homeschooling movement never saw the case coming.

"At first, there was a sense of, 'No way,' " said homeschool parent Loren Mavromati, a resident of Redondo Beach (Los Angeles County) who is active with a homeschool association. "Then there was a little bit of fear. I think it has moved now into indignation."

The ruling arose from a child welfare dispute between the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services and Philip and Mary Long of Lynwood, who have been homeschooling their eight children. Mary Long is their teacher, but holds no teaching credential.

The parents said they also enrolled their children in Sunland Christian School, a private religious academy in Sylmar (Los Angeles County), which considers the Long children part of its independent study program and visits the home about four times a year.

The Second District Court of Appeal ruled that California law requires parents to send their children to full-time public or private schools or have them taught by credentialed tutors at home.

Some homeschoolers are affiliated with private or charter schools, like the Longs, but others fly under the radar completely. Many homeschooling families avoid truancy laws by registering with the state as a private school and then enroll only their own children.

Yet the appeals court said state law has been clear since at least 1953, when another appellate court rejected a challenge by homeschooling parents to California's compulsory education statutes. Those statutes require children ages 6 to 18 to attend a full-time day school, either public or private, or to be instructed by a tutor who holds a state credential for the child's grade level.

"California courts have held that ... parents do not have a constitutional right to homeschool their children," Justice H. Walter Croskey said in the 3-0 ruling issued on Feb. 28. "Parents have a legal duty to see to their children's schooling under the provisions of these laws."

Parents can be criminally prosecuted for failing to comply, Croskey said.

"A primary purpose of the educational system is to train school children in good citizenship, patriotism and loyalty to the state and the nation as a means of protecting the public welfare," the judge wrote, quoting from a 1961 case on a similar issue.

Union pleased with ruling

The ruling was applauded by a director for the state's largest teachers union.

"We're happy," said Lloyd Porter, who is on the California Teachers Association board of directors. "We always think students should be taught by credentialed teachers, no matter what the setting."

A spokesman for the state Department of Education said the agency is reviewing the decision to determine its impact on current policies and procedures. State Superintendent of Public Instruction Jack O'Connell issued a statement saying he supports "parental choice when it comes to homeschooling."

Brad Dacus, president of the Pacific Justice Institute, which agreed earlier this week to represent Sunland Christian School and legally advise the Long family on a likely appeal to the state Supreme Court, said the appellate court ruling has set a precedent that can now be used to go after homeschoolers. "With this case law, anyone in California who is homeschooling without a teaching credential is subject to prosecution for truancy violation, which could require community service, heavy fines and possibly removal of their children under allegations of educational neglect," Dacus said.

Parents say they choose homeschooling for a variety of reasons, from religious beliefs to disillusionment with the local public schools.

Homeschooling parent Debbie Schwarzer of Los Altos said she's ready for a fight.

Schwarzer runs Oak Hill Academy out of her Santa Clara County home. It is a state-registered private school with two students, she said, noting they are her own children, ages 10 and 12. She does not have a teaching credential, but she does have a law degree.

"I'm kind of hoping some truancy officer shows up on my doorstep," she said. "I'm ready. I have damn good arguments."

She opted to teach her children at home to better meet their needs.

The ruling, Schwarzer said, "stinks."

Began as child welfare case

The Long family legal battle didn't start out as a test case on the validity of homeschooling. It was a child welfare case.

A juvenile court judge looking into one child's complaint of mistreatment by Philip Long found that the children were being poorly educated but refused to order two of the children, ages 7 and 9, to be enrolled in a full-time school. He said parents in California have a right to educate their children at home.

The appeals court told the juvenile court judge to require the parents to comply with the law by enrolling their children in a school, but excluded the Sunland Christian School from enrolling the children because that institution "was willing to participate in the deprivation of the children's right to a legal education."

The decision could also affect other kinds of homeschooled children, including those enrolled in independent study or distance learning through public charter schools - a setup similar to the one the Longs have, Dacus said.

Charter school advocates disagreed, saying Thursday that charter schools are public and are required to employ only credentialed teachers to supervise students - whether in class or through independent study.

Ruling will apply statewide

Michael Smith, president of the Home School Legal Defense Association, said the ruling would effectively ban homeschooling in the state.

"California is now on the path to being the only state to deny the vast majority of homeschooling parents their fundamental right to teach their own children at home," he said in a statement.

But Leslie Heimov, executive director of the Children's Law Center of Los Angeles, which represented the Longs' two children in the case, said the ruling did not change the law.

"They just affirmed that the current California law, which has been unchanged since the last time it was ruled on in the 1950s, is that children have to be educated in a public school, an accredited private school, or with an accredited tutor," she said. "If they want to send them to a private Christian school, they can, but they have to actually go to the school and be taught by teachers."

Heimov said her organization's chief concern was not the quality of the children's education, but their "being in a place daily where they would be observed by people who had a duty to ensure their ongoing safety."

Recycled bitterness

In a show of solidarity with the striking writers I am going to post a re-run rather than write something new.  I posted this a long time ago but I wanted to repost it to help some of my home school mom friends.  Also, at the bottom of this post, I have included an email I got called "the bitter home school wish list". It is funny.  I wish I had written it. Oh well, at least I wrote this, and it makes me proud to have been bitter enough to post it on March 22, 2007. 

My children and I were brutally assaulted in an elevator the other day.  Well actually we were Brute-assly insulted by an ass who was too much of a brute to even realize he was doing it.

He said to my daughter, “Where do you go to school?”

Daughter: “I’m home schooled”

Brute: “Wow!  Brave Mom”  (Subtext: “you kids are scary”)

Mom: “Well, it works for us”  (Subtext, “shut the hell up now, it’s time to stare blankly at the doors till your floor mercifully arrives to release us both.”)

Brute: “I had a friend who did that.  (Subtext, “that makes me an expert”)  They put their kids in school because of the socialization. Aren’t you worried about the socialization?”

Mom:  “Oh no, there are lots of opportunities to socialize nowadays.”  (“Unlike the days when you learned how to socialize with strangers on an elevator, idiot!”)

Brute: “Where do you live?”

Mom: “Blahville”

Brute: “Oh there are great schools there.  You should put your kids in school,” he says over his shoulder as he exits through the closing door.   

Can you imagine that conversation?  “Kids, your father and I decided that after 10 years of doing this we feel it would be best to send you to school thanks to a messenger from God who showed us the light on an elevator date with destiny”.

It is amazing how many times this has happened.  It’s amusing to me that people think that bringing up the subject of socialization with a complete stranger will undo all the research and experience I have had up to this point to arrive at this perfectly legal and viable educational alternative.  It is odd that socialization is the first thing they think of when they see my kids dressed in scuba gear babbling incoherently and throwing their feces around the room. 

My next favorite thing is when people discover the kids are home schooled and start quizzing them on geography.  I still don’t know where things are.  Being ignorant about geography is not a home school privilege.  Which brings me to my honor roll student.

People often say to me, “Wow!!  I am afraid I would not be qualified to teach my kids!”

My daughter recently had the perfect answer:  “So what you are saying is that because you went to Public School you would not be able to teach 4th grade material?”   

Miraculously, without the benefit of socialization she knew to say that to me privately after the person had left.

That brings me to the smug temptation I have in response to those who say, “I could never home school!  My kids would drive me crazy!”

“Yeah, your kids would drive me crazy too.  Thank God I have mine!”

The Bitter Homeschooler's Wish List
From Secular Homeschooling Magazine, Issue #1

1 Please stop asking us if it's legal. If it is - and it is - it's
insulting to imply that we're criminals. And if we were criminals, would we admit it?

2 Learn what the words "socialize" and "socialization" mean, and use
the one you really mean instead of mixing them up the way you do now.
Socializing means hanging out with other people for fun. Socialization
means having acquired the skills necessary to do so successfully and
pleasantly. If you're talking to me and my kids, that means that we do
in fact go outside now and then to visit the other human beings on the
planet, and you can safely assume that we've got a decent grasp of
both concepts.

3 Quit interrupting my kid at her dance lesson, scout meeting, choir
practice, baseball game, art class, field trip, park day, music class,
4H club, or soccer lesson to ask her if as a homeschooler she ever gets to socialize.

4 Don't assume that every homeschooler you meet is homeschooling for
the same reasons and in the same way as that one homeschooler you know.

5 If that homeschooler you know is actually someone you saw on TV, either on the news or on a "reality" show, the above goes double.

6 Please stop telling us horror stories about the homeschoolers you know, know of, or think you might know who ruined their lives by homeschooling. You're probably the same little bluebird of happiness whose hobby is running up to pregnant women and inducing premature labor by telling them every ghastly birth story you've ever heard. We all hate you, so please go away.

7 We don't look horrified and start quizzing your kids when we hear
they're in public school. Please stop drilling our children like potential oil fields to see if we're doing what you consider an adequate job of homeschooling.

8 Stop assuming all homeschoolers are religious.

9 Stop assuming that if we're religious, we must be homeschooling for religious reasons.

10 We didn't go through all the reading, learning, thinking, weighing
of options, experimenting, and worrying that goes into homeschooling
just to annoy you. Really. This was a deeply personal decision,
tailored to the specifics of our family. Stop taking the bare fact of
our being homeschoolers as either an affront or a judgment about your
own educational decisions.

11 Please stop questioning my competency and demanding to see my
credentials. I didn't have to complete a course in catering to
successfully cook dinner for my family; I don't need a degree in
teaching to educate my children. If spending at least twelve years in
the kind of chew-it-up-and-spit-it-out educational facility we call
public school left me with so little information in my memory banks
that I can't teach the basics of an elementary education to my nearest
and dearest, maybe there's a reason I'm so reluctant to send my child to school.

12 If my kid's only six and you ask me with a straight face how I can
possibly teach him what he'd learn in school, please understand that
you're calling me an idiot. Don't act shocked if I decide to respond in kind.

13 Stop assuming that because the word "home" is right there in
"homeschool," we never leave the house. We're the ones who go to the
amusement parks, museums, and zoos in the middle of the week and in
the off-season and laugh at you because you have to go on weekends and
holidays when it's crowded and icky.

14 Stop assuming that because the word "school" is right there in
homeschool, we must sit around at a desk for six or eight hours every
day, just like your kid does. Even if we're into the "school" side of
education - and many of us prefer a more organic approach - we can
burn through a lot of material a lot more efficiently, because we
don't have to gear our lessons to the lowest common denominator.

15 Stop asking, "But what about the Prom?" Even if the idea that my
kid might not be able to indulge in a night of over-hyped, over-priced
revelry was enough to break my heart, plenty of kids who do go to
school don't get to go to the Prom. For all you know, I'm one of them.
I might still be bitter about it. So go be shallow somewhere else.

16 Don't ask my kid if she wouldn't rather go to school unless you
don't mind if I ask your kid if he wouldn't rather stay home and get
some sleep now and then.

17 Stop saying, "Oh, I could never homeschool!" Even if you think it's
some kind of compliment, it sounds more like you're horrified. One of
these days, I won't bother disagreeing with you any more.

18 If you can remember anything from chemistry or calculus class,
you're allowed to ask how we'll teach these subjects to our kids. If
you can't, thank you for the reassurance that we couldn't possibly do
a worse job than your teachers did, and might even do a better one.

19 Stop asking about how hard it must be to be my child's teacher as
well as her parent. I don't see much difference between bossing my kid
around academically and bossing him around the way I do about everything else.

20 Stop saying that my kid is shy, outgoing, aggressive, anxious,
quiet, boisterous, argumentative, pouty, fidgety, chatty, whiny, or
loud because he's homeschooled. It's not fair that all the kids who go
to school can be as annoying as they want to without being branded as
representative of anything but childhood.

21 Quit assuming that my kid must be some kind of prodigy because she's homeschooled.

22 Quit assuming that I must be some kind of prodigy because I homeschool my kids.

23 Quit assuming that I must be some kind of saint because I homeschool my kids.

24 Stop talking about all the great childhood memories my kids won't get because they don't go to school, unless you want me to start  asking about all the not-so-great childhood memories you have because
you went to school.

25 Here's a thought: If you can't say something nice about homeschooling, shut up!

"Disquietude is always vanity, because it serves no good.  Yes, even if
the whole world were thrown into confusion, and all things in it,
disquietude on that account would still be vanity."

-St. John of the Cross

Ona Roll

My middle son gets the mention today for asking the question, "Mom, why do we say that we fix dogs and cats when we break them but say we "break" a horse when we tame or fix them?"   Love that!

(This is officially my shortest entry ever)

Ona Roll

My 2 year old is the onaroll recipient this time.  He just read the book Humpty Dumpty.  We were all lucky enough to stumble upon him sitting quietly "reading".

Humpty Dumpty Sat on a wall
Humpty dumpty got hurt
all the kings horses and all the birds
tried to take his head off.

He also found an intelligent way to get all the attention.  You should try it, it works every time.
When everyone is talking and not paying attention to him, he will suddenly say, "Guys, guys, I have a question!"   When we stop and say, "What is it?"  He says, "Uh....dogs, puppies, lamby, cow..." or anything else that comes to his mind.  It has never been a question.  That stage comes next.

Thank God for toddlers and the comic relief they offer!

OnA Roll Revised

I posted this a long time ago but I wanted to repost it to help some of my home school mom friends.  Also, at the bottom of this post, I have included an email I got called "the bitter home school wish list". It is funny.  I wish I had written it. Oh well, at least I wrote this, and it makes me proud to have been bitter enough to post it on March 22, 2007. 

My children and I were brutally assaulted in an elevator the other day.  Well actually we were Brute-assly insulted by an ass who was too much of a brute to even realize he was doing it.

He said to my daughter, “Where do you go to school?”

Daughter: “I’m home schooled”

Brute: “Wow!  Brave Mom”  (Subtext: “you kids are scary”)

Mom: “Well, it works for us”  (Subtext, “shut the hell up now, it’s time to stare blankly at the doors till your floor mercifully arrives to release us both.”)

Brute: “I had a friend who did that.  (Subtext, “that makes me an expert”)  They put their kids in school because of the socialization.  Aren’t you worried about the socialization?”

Mom:  “Oh no, there are lots of opportunities to socialize nowadays.”  (“Unlike the days when you learned how to socialize with strangers on an elevator, idiot!”)

Brute: “Where do you live?”

Mom: “Blahville”

Brute: “Oh there are great schools there.  You should put your kids in school,” he says over his shoulder as he exits through the closing door.   

Can you imagine that conversation?  “Kids, your father and I decided that after 10 years of doing this we feel it would be best to send you to school thanks to a messenger from God who showed us the light on an elevator date with destiny”.

It is amazing how many times this has happened.  It’s amusing to me that people think that bringing up the subject of socialization with a complete stranger will undo all the research and experience I have had up to this point to arrive at this perfectly legal and viable educational alternative.  It is odd that socialization is the first thing they think of when they see my kids dressed in scuba gear babbling incoherently and throwing their feces around the room. 

My next favorite thing is when people discover the kids are home schooled and start quizzing them on geography.  I still don’t know where things are.  Being ignorant about geography is not a home school privilege.  Which brings me to my honor roll student.

People often say to me, “Wow!!  I am afraid I would not be qualified to teach my kids!”

My daughter recently had the perfect answer:  “So what you are saying is that because you went to Public School you would not be able to teach 4th grade material?”   

Miraculously, without the benefit of socialization she knew to say that to me privately after the person had left.

That brings me to the smug temptation I have in response to those who say, “I could never home school!  My kids would drive me crazy!”

“Yeah, your kids would drive me crazy too.  Thank God I have mine!”

Wow! It must be the season for home school bashing.  Here is my glib response to the painful problem of not getting the support of your family or spouse.  (I would make a horrible counselor.  Depressed?  How bout a little seltzer in your pants or a pie in your face!)

Regarding my parents:  I am so glad I have so many other vices that my parents now only send me articles about how every fat person dies of cancer.  Really, my kids have been the proof in the pudding for my parents (who I've already noted are against pudding in all other applications).  You just have to smile and nod and let them feel good about being good parents because they worry themselves silly over how foolishly we are being parents (which really means they were bad parents or we would not be being so foolish and we should listen to them now because....?)  Actually in my case, besides the "socialization" they  were an easy sell cause my dad worked for the OH Education association so I grew up knowing that the NEA and the school system was really a shrimpy little guy squealing, "pay no attention to that man behind the curtain".  They ALWAYS took my side against the teacher. 

As for the non-supportive husband - hmmm....that's a tough one.  I choose passive aggression, bitter complaining, back biting and gnashing my teeth (preferably on something that will make me fat enough to have my parents worry about my weight).  Actually my husband is supportive when it seems to be going well and when it is perceived as a virtue by outsiders, but sometimes he drops the "so have you considered putting the kids in school?" bomb when he is certain it is home schooling and not HIM making me act in passive aggressive ways.  Husbands get scared and insecure when they think we are damsels in distress unable to rescue their babies from Algebra or whatever subject helps you slay a dragon in the competitive work place.  They also get a lot of pressure at work (if they are like my husband) for the single income thing and the life style of a home school family.   Don't know what to say about that one, except to have him volunteer to be a youth group leader or something so he can hear what our kids are really missing.  EEK!  Help him be more afraid of school than of your kids not getting whatever it is he is afraid they are not getting. 

Finally, I just got this great email from my niece in NJ who is writing a book on un-schooling (BTW She said she might want to canvas some un-schoolers for this book at some point so you may hear more about her later).  She is my husband's niece actually so she is catching all the heat from his side of the family being generated from her decision and which is probably somewhat pointed at me but has not been direct enough to reach me.  (I can be so dense).  I think our security and survival depends on being around each other.  I had great therapy, I mean conversations at Livermore park day today.  This is really important because it helps us laugh and not cry and be patient with people who are scared for us and our kids.  At least they care enough to care that we are screwing up our kids or in my case to imagine me dead.  (That's what I tell myself when I get the worried health emails from my parents).

Feel free to check out some of my old blogs on homeschooling if you have nothing better to do (http://jillibee.typepad.com/)    At the very least you will see that you are SO not alone (and I tend to set the bar very low so it might even make you feel relieved at your own accomplishments. 

If it helps, my son who went through public school, Horizon's home study, charter, DVC, un-schooling and over schooling is now 20 and is glad he was home schooled and says I absolutely must continue to home school the younger kids.  (OH and he is cute and social and bright and following his dreams and supporting himself.  He is a fun one to parade around as a big success story though I am fairly certain he was born to thrive.  We don't have to tell "them" that though).   

Whatever you do, GOOD luck and DON'T FORGET TO HAVE FUN!!!!

Jill Enders

> The Bitter Homeschooler's Wish List
>
> From Secular Homeschooling Magazine, Issue #1
>
> 1 Please stop asking us if it's legal. If it is - and it is - it's
> insulting to imply that we're criminals. And if we were criminals,
> would we admit it?
>
> 2 Learn what the words "socialize" and "socialization" mean, and use
> the one you really mean instead of mixing them up the way you do now.
> Socializing means hanging out with other people for fun. Socialization
> means having acquired the skills necessary to do so successfully and
> pleasantly. If you're talking to me and my kids, that means that we do
> in fact go outside now and then to visit the other human beings on the
> planet, and you can safely assume that we've got a decent grasp of
> both concepts.
>
> 3 Quit interrupting my kid at her dance lesson, scout meeting, choir
> practice, baseball game, art class, field trip, park day, music class,
> 4H club, or soccer lesson to ask her if as a homeschooler she ever
> gets to socialize.
>
> 4 Don't assume that every homeschooler you meet is homeschooling for
> the same reasons and in the same way as that one homeschooler you
> know.
>
> 5 If that homeschooler you know is actually someone you saw on TV,
> either on the news or on a "reality" show, the above goes double.
>
> 6 Please stop telling us horror stories about the homeschoolers you
> know, know of, or think you might know who ruined their lives by
> homeschooling. You're probably the same little bluebird of happiness
> whose hobby is running up to pregnant women and inducing premature
> labor by telling them every ghastly birth story you've ever heard. We
> all hate you, so please go away.
>
> 7 We don't look horrified and start quizzing your kids when we hear
> they're in public school. Please stop drilling our children like
> potential oil fields to see if we're doing what you consider an
> adequate job of homeschooling.
>
> 8 Stop assuming all homeschoolers are religious.
>
> 9 Stop assuming that if we're religious, we must be homeschooling for
> religious reasons.
>
> 10 We didn't go through all the reading, learning, thinking, weighing
> of options, experimenting, and worrying that goes into homeschooling
> just to annoy you. Really. This was a deeply personal decision,
> tailored to the specifics of our family. Stop taking the bare fact of
> our being homeschoolers as either an affront or a judgment about your
> own educational decisions.
>
> 11 Please stop questioning my competency and demanding to see my
> credentials. I didn't have to complete a course in catering to
> successfully cook dinner for my family; I don't need a degree in
> teaching to educate my children. If spending at least twelve years in
> the kind of chew-it-up-and-spit-it-out educational facility we call
> public school left me with so little information in my memory banks
> that I can't teach the basics of an elementary education to my nearest
> and dearest, maybe there's a reason I'm so reluctant to send my child
> to school.
>
> 12 If my kid's only six and you ask me with a straight face how I can
> possibly teach him what he'd learn in school, please understand that
> you're calling me an idiot. Don't act shocked if I decide to respond
> in kind.
>
> 13 Stop assuming that because the word "home" is right there in
> "homeschool," we never leave the house. We're the ones who go to the
> amusement parks, museums, and zoos in the middle of the week and in
> the off-season and laugh at you because you have to go on weekends and
> holidays when it's crowded and icky.
>
> 14 Stop assuming that because the word "school" is right there in
> homeschool, we must sit around at a desk for six or eight hours every
> day, just like your kid does. Even if we're into the "school" side of
> education - and many of us prefer a more organic approach - we can
> burn through a lot of material a lot more efficiently, because we
> don't have to gear our lessons to the lowest common denominator.
>
> 15 Stop asking, "But what about the Prom?" Even if the idea that my
> kid might not be able to indulge in a night of over-hyped, over-priced
> revelry was enough to break my heart, plenty of kids who do go to
> school don't get to go to the Prom. For all you know, I'm one of them.
> I might still be bitter about it. So go be shallow somewhere else.
>
> 16 Don't ask my kid if she wouldn't rather go to school unless you
> don't mind if I ask your kid if he wouldn't rather stay home and get
> some sleep now and then.
>
> 17 Stop saying, "Oh, I could never homeschool!" Even if you think it's
> some kind of compliment, it sounds more like you're horrified. One of
> these days, I won't bother disagreeing with you any more.
>
> 18 If you can remember anything from chemistry or calculus class,
> you're allowed to ask how we'll teach these subjects to our kids. If
> you can't, thank you for the reassurance that we couldn't possibly do
> a worse job than your teachers did, and might even do a better one.
>
> 19 Stop asking about how hard it must be to be my child's teacher as
> well as her parent. I don't see much difference between bossing my kid
> around academically and bossing him around the way I do about
> everything else.
>
> 20 Stop saying that my kid is shy, outgoing, aggressive, anxious,
> quiet, boisterous, argumentative, pouty, fidgety, chatty, whiny, or
> loud because he's homeschooled. It's not fair that all the kids who go
> to school can be as annoying as they want to without being branded as
> representative of anything but childhood.
>
> 21 Quit assuming that my kid must be some kind of prodigy because
> she's homeschooled.
>
> 22 Quit assuming that I must be some kind of prodigy because I
> homeschool my kids.
>
> 23 Quit assuming that I must be some kind of saint because I
> homeschool my kids.
>
> 24 Stop talking about all the great childhood memories my kids won't
> get because they don't go to school, unless you want me to start
> asking about all the not-so-great childhood memories you have because
> you went to school.
>
> 25 Here's a thought: If you can't say something nice about
> homeschooling, shut up!
>
>
"Disquietude is always vanity, because it serves no good.  Yes, even if
the whole world were thrown into confusion, and all things in it,
disquietude on that account would still be vanity."

-St. John of the Cross

Refraction Retraction

The other day while speaking to my mom on the phone (I do this a lot) I learned that there is a discrepancy in my opinion of the way I was treated in childhood verses the way I reported it in one of my blogs.  I had stated something to the affect that I went to the John Wayne School: “Suckitup U.”   Not only did I think this was true, but I thought it was clever.  Those are my top two requirements for whatever I write when at all possible.

I did not think this was a bad thing.  It’s just the way things are done in the Midwest.  I think the comment “If you are not showing blood or bone you are not going to ER” might have influenced my impression.  Or maybe the comment by my father (who is 80) “I got up this morning and could not walk but after cutting ½ a cord of wood I felt better” might have influenced my impression.  Also, the fact that in midlife my mom was dragged against her will to the hospital while silently internally bleeding might have had a little something to do with this impression.  These are just a few models I saw growing up (I could site many more) that influenced my impression of the values I was taught.

Then I talked to my mom.  She said that the “no bones/blood no ER” comment was made after wasting money on repeated trips to ER where nothing was discovered. We always like to agree so we decided I just did not complain very much. I did not press the issue after that.  I know better than to ever really disagree with my mom.  She is always on my side or in my corner.  I may fool myself into thinking that just because my stats reveal I’ve had close to 2,000 readers, the truth is that my mom has probably been clicking this blog site 2,000 times like a lab mouse looking for cheese. 

(For the record, I was bragging about attending “Suckitup U.”  I am proud of being tough and having a high tolerance for pain.   She didn’t see it that way though and so I am willing to re-tract it). 

I have a make up bag I keep in my car which is made up of gold sequins.  I was talking to my mother in the car on the cell phone at the time this discrepancy was discovered (though she was not upset.  She would not have shown me if she was.  Which I could argue is a class offered at “Suckitup U.” but I won’t).  When I hung up and was contemplating this conversation I noticed something moving on the car door.  It was the reflection of the sun off of my makeup bag.  There were lots and lots of brilliant little stars all over the car door.   It was beautiful.  I enjoyed it so much that I did not notice the interior of my interior which has been decorated with day after day of sticky gooey what not.  I did not notice the window that does not work or the floor 3 feet deep with garbage after the kids and I VOWED to be better about cleaning the car out after every trip and even buying a special basket to put stuff in (which sits pristinely empty). 

That’s a good metaphor for my childhood.  When the sun is out, all I see are the sparkly good parts.  Even the goo is blurred by the sparkly good parts.  I won’t lie that there are also cloudy days when all I see is the goo, both the goo on my car door and the goo from my childhood. I look back and feel like something was missing.  Those are days when I am not feeling good.  I am just feeling goo.  The sunny “d” is missing.

Lucky for me, I have parents who loved me, and my siblings, through the good, the bad and the ugly.  And so the least I can do is love them through the goo.  No one ever really gets to know whether they did a brilliant or a gooey job of parenting.  Good parents can turn out messed up kids and vice-versa.  I used to have a saying on my desk at work “Humans raise humans.  If it were possible to do it perfectly, surely we would all be angels”.  I think the best we can really hope for is enough moments of brilliance to dazzle the overwhelming goo of day to day stuff.  If I can do half as goo as my parents did I’ll feel pretty good. 

So sorry, Mom, if I did not see things as they were intended or as they really were.  Gooey really is in the eye of the beholder. Remember when I would get annoyed at you for not telling the story right?  Well, it’s pay back time, I guess.  By the way, I’ve already noticed your grandson doing the same thing to me.  To hear him tell it, I have him chained in the basement eating gruel (well, the gruel part is half true, or would be if they made “Gruel-A-Roni”)

So don’t take too much too literally in here (any of you).  These are my impressions on any given day and they change with the weather.  Though I have retracted that my childhood was like this,  let me state for the record that I think it’s good to have a degree from “Suckitup U.” and while I am making public declarations, let me say publicly, “Mom, you are the sparkliest Mommy I know, and I don’t care who knows it” (or anything else, a-PARENT-ly).  Love, Jill

SEX ED Edited

I belong to a group of very responsible mothers. They were recently discussing the topic of having “the talk” with their sons. Someone had asked for good books. Someone else had, I suspect inadvertently, suggested that if the communication is good a book is not necessary. This sparked a rebuttal in favor of using books and the rationale behind the use of books. It of course resulted in personal stories and beliefs. This was an interesting thread. Usually my role in conflicts such as this is to jump in the middle of it and throw a pie in my face before saying what I think. This time the work had been done for me. Someone was quoting how her son who thought he knew everything one day asked his mother “what general herpes” was. What follows is my reply to the thread and I share it because I got one of the best laughs I have had all week (and this was a good week). I hope you enjoy.

Ahhh General Herpes. Wasn’t that the infamous General of the battle of water loo who would not show up for long periods of time and then would suddenly show up when least expected or desired and make a general pain of himself? I think I remember him rubbing lots of people the wrong way and going down in history as the worst general ever.

And my best laugh of the week came from this beautifully constructed sentence.

>my husband and I are TRYING to have another
child and that has sparked plenty of discussion in our house as to how will mom get pregnant from our 9 year old.

My sincere hope is that in their desperation they have not resorted to entertaining the notion of mom getting pregnant from their 9 year old.

I know this was not written for my enjoyment, but these posts provided some of the best laughs I have had in a long time. Which by the way, is the most important advice I have on sex Ed (having been there done that and taught that). Ohhhhh I have stories, but in all my bumbling ways and dangerous experiences the sharpest and most important tool I have ever had to get me through is my ability to laugh at myself and others. Sex is a great topic for the giggles, obviously.

Ironically, my girlfriend and I were just hunting the bookstore shelves for books to educate my son and daughter (Must be spring). Or more accurately to supplement the creative and too early introduction I gave of the topic when my rabbits were breeding. When my kids were about 6 I thought it would be good to get the topic started by having our rabbit breed. When we were discussing the topic my son asked a question that to me meant, “it’s time to have the talk”. When I got done, he was stunned and said, “I think maybe you should have just stuck to the rabbits”. The bookstore did not offer much better as far as my friend and I were concerned. We ended cracking up over the silly things in the book store attracting attention of the salesperson who cracked up with us and told us some hilarious stories of when she told her now grown children.

It is so impossible to do it wrong if you are willing to be honest, humble, vulnerable and light hearted. Use a book. Make fun of the parts you don’t like. Don’t use a book. Make fun of yourself. It’s all good. Really it is. Even the bad stuff is good if you can beat it (or survive it, at least). Obviously I am not suggesting the bad guy abusers get off the hook but it is essential they not get the last laugh or take the laughter entirely. If we stop laughing the terrorists will have won.

Anyone willing to take this topic seriously enough to engage in the topic (or the activity for that matter) should be applauded. Anyone taking this topic seriously enough to approach it reverently and laugh at the absurd human condition of managing animal instincts and practicing animal husbandry should be given a standing O.