Normally I write these out or at least think these out a little beforehand. I am not doing that this time. I don't want to get stuck in a rut. Remember when I was about a month ago younger and I thought I was a heterosexual trapped in the body of a lesbian? Well now that I am a month older I realize I am just trapped in the clothes of a lesbian. I can change. Remember when a month ago I thought I was a slob who did not like to clean house? Oh wait, maybe I didn't tell you that flattering tidbit of information about myself. Well, I was fairly certain that was an accurate portrayal of myself. Now I don't. I just spent a week making my house sparkle to get ready for a move-out inspection. What I discovered is that all along the only thing missing was the incentive. It is amazing how meticulous I can be when a $1,500 security deposit is at stake. I only wish someone would offer me that to get in shape.
Back to gender confusion for a moment. You know, when I was in college I went to a music school. It was then that I discovered I had something in common with gay men - I was very attracted to gay men. That is where the comparison stops. I can not decorate to save my life (it is lucky for me that situation has not yet come up, that would be a horrible way to die). I am so frustrated by this blank canvas of my beautiful new home. It is like story problems in math. I know there is a right answer, I know everything I need to make it all work is here, I know the person next to me has the answer right, but I just can't make it work. Every time I take something out of a box it screams "hah hah I am the same ugly crap you had in your old house..see? you can't change!" When I put the books on the book shelf they yell, 'Dummy! You should be putting us in categories!" So I do, and then they yell, "I am inspirational, humorous AND helpful, where are you going to put me, IDIOT?!" (those inspirational self-help books are the worst and they think they are so funny, but they're really just mean). So I do weird things like put the encyclopedia reference set number 9 in upside down where the 6 should be and vice-versa just to see if anyone notices. There is no point to any of this and yet it has been tormenting me and will continue to do so until every last thing is out of the box and put in some dumb place that someone else would not have put it.
This is a pretty boring blahg tonight. I am going to post it anyway because I told myself I would. I also told myself I would be different in this new house, I told myself that I would get in shape by Christmas of this year too, I told myself a lot of stupid things. Just who do I think I am telling myself all this crap? And now I am telling all of you (whomever you may be) all this stupid stuff I am telling myself...I wonder why I feel a need to do that? I doubt I will change though. It's not like taking off a lesbian t-shirt and putting on a conservative blouse or cleaning up your house for $1,500. This is really deep and important stuff that does not matter because nobody dies if I never change (unless I meet up with some fabulous interior decorator axe and spackle weilding maniac in a dark ally whom I am strangely attracted to but who forces me to decorate to save my life...then as previously stated, I'm a goner). Don't you wish I could give you back the time you just wasted reading this? Don't say I didn't warn you. "What's that? Ok, I'll tell them." The books on my shelf just yelled up that they have several suggestions on ways you could better spend your reading time. I hate those jerks.
I will give you $1,500.00 to 'get in shape for Christmas'.
I AM ON THE RECORD HERE--SO IT IS A REAL OFFER.
Okay. Now you have the monetary incentive to do so--it should now happen, right?
I will give you an additional bonus of $3,000.00 if you embrace your inner (and outer) wackiness and just go with it. This will make you a much more amusing friend to me and then I can at least have some fun stories to share with the world-at-large--thereby making my investment a wise one.
What say you, you poor, hapless, helpless, house-rich Danville-dolly?
Posted by: Renee Anker | October 11, 2005 at 08:56 PM