I have not blogged for a long time! I didn't expect to take a break, it just sort of happened. I got a ghostwriting gig that paid me well for writing in my pajamas. I had only ONE thought on my mind anyway - HOUSE! Just how many ways can I say "I WANT A FREAKING HOUSE" before I start to get boring? Frankly, 2009 just wasn't something I wanted to spend much time reflecting on, especially while I was still trapped in it. Like most things, the longer I was away the harder it was to jump back in. So why tonight?
Tomorrow we are doing a final walk through on a house that we are buying. This time next week I could be a first time home owner! After more than a year of hell this should be a time of celebration. In an economy of unemployment, in an area of the country where home ownership was out of reach, at a time when so many are losing their homes to foreclosure, my husband got a promotion and we are buying our first home - a large house with a pool in a nice area of CA. it is not THE house I was striving for (if you have read previous entries) but it is just about everything I wanted and more. So why am I not doing the touchdown dance in the end zone?
My mom is suffering tonight after undergoing a painful surgery. It is not life threatening, but I suspect at times she may feel like it would be a relief if it were. I am a whole country away from her and there is nothing I can do about it. Welcome to the sandwich desperation...I mean, sandwich generation.
My parents raised me to be independent. They NEVER EVER try to manipulate me into doing anything that I do not feel like doing, to help. In fact, my biggest complaint of them is that in their attempts to protect me, they leave me out of the loop when things are tough. The other complaint is that by raising me to pursue my dreams and follow my passions they never explained to me that building a life clear across the country might mean that I will be in the middle of that life when they need me.
As I wait for the phone to ring for an update, imagining and feeling the pain that my mom is enduring, the stress that my Dad is bearing, and the role that my brother is playing to help; it just feels wrong that I am not there with them. I am desperate to help and there is NOTHING to be done.
This time next week, I could be a proud home owner in the beautiful state of CA, which I love. This time next week, I hope my Mom will be feeling much better. My husband will be settling into his new responsibilities at his job. My kids will be more or less doing what they were doing before our lives were tossed topsy-turvy. Having to move the week before Christmas, from the 3,100 sqft rental property we loved and wanted, to a small 2 bdrm apt, was tough. They tried to make the best of it, but were showing signs of stress, as we scrambled to find a new home and keep the balls in the air to protect them from the insecurity and financial strain we were feeling.
I can only imagine how hard it must be for some families during this time. We are one of the lucky ones! But this has been a tremendously difficult period and my husband and I have done all we can to manage the twists and turns of a difficult transition (more on that process some other time). My kids are 7th and 8th graders. This is not the time to upset the apple cart although we were contemplating very seriously, moving back East. In the end, it just seemed like the wrong time to uproot them and when my husband got the promotion - that made the decision.
I know that one of the things which makes my Mom proud of me is how I strive to put my kids' needs above my own, try to support my husband, and "suck it up" in the hard times. I learned from the "master". Mom, (if you still read me after such a long hiatus) thank you. Thank you for EVERYTHING! God bless you! I love you! Get well soon!!
You really are the quintessential Sandwiched Boomer and, as you very well know, transitions can be bittersweet. Best of luck with your move!
Posted by: Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. | January 17, 2010 at 11:59 AM