Jillibee'sness

I'm not losing a house, I'm gaining a perspective

I've been thinking about the house a lot. It really stinks not to have what I want and envision, work out just as I wanted and envisioned it would. It feels exactly like being dumped for the first time. Here I am with our future children all named, our names written all over my notebook, and a closet full of clothes he said I looked sexy in...and just like that it is over. I have no say nor control over it. How could he NOT see we were meant to be? I mean, we both like Billie Holiday and cherry Jolly Ranchers! My whole family likes him!! His friends all like me! How could my house dump me? Not only that, but with these showings, my house is dating around right in front of me! It is devastating to stand helplessly by, as people march through our stuff evaluating MY dream boat (house) before I even have a chance to get my record collection or sweatshirt back. What? People are going to decide if the house that I was not good enough for, is good enough for THEM?! And this house is just gonna LET THEM?! Not only that but these people will conspire with my house against me and point out the mistakes I made in my treatment of it! I fear these people who are now seeing my house will hold me in contempt as they review the evidence left behind of how I lived with and gave my heart to this dream. Ok, maybe this metaphor is taking me too Glenn Close to PTSD (post traumatic stress dating), but it is pretty Glenn Close to how I really feel about losing this house! Fortunately, I have more than my feelings to help me out of this hole. Somewhere inside of me I know I am giving FAR too much power to this thing. After all it IS just a thing! "What profit a man if he gain the whole world yet forfeit his own soul?" (In the Bible somewhere). In general, I am pretty good at valuing people before things, but this time I have noble reasons for giving so much of myself to this thing. Even though I have not been able to do so effectively living in "limbo"; I wanted this house for the potential I see to nurture my soul, my family, and my friends. That is precisely where I am missing the whole blessed point - I HAVE family and friends! So what am I doing wasting all my energy on a stupid house? Really, when it gets down to it, a house is just a big, expensive box to keep your real treasures in!! So this was a big fancy box - big deal! In fact, if I end up with something without such a fancy exterior, I won't lose time fussing over the wrapping, or have to be so careful with it so that I can save it for another gift! The time is NOW! I can just rip that sucker open and get to the goodies inside!! Yeah, I'm still disappointed. I loved that house and I am not ready to invest emotion in another. I'm sad and stressed about all the ways I will have to change course and all the effort it will take to move out and move on - particularly when I have no rebound house waiting in the wings! Besides, experience in dating taught me that anyone who ever dumped me pales in comparison to the one who hasn't, and promises never will, dump me!! While I am getting used to my new vision of the future, I vow to not let obsession over this box rob me of all the many precious gifts I have to enjoy and share! Oooh...but darn, you should just SEE the back of this house...and the VIEW from inside just takes my breath away! Wait a minute - if I break it down, what I am really crying over is a window! Sure it over looks a mountain, but no matter where we live, that mountain will still be there and if I am not trying so hard to attain that window; I will be better able to see and appreciate the splendor of that mountain! Ironically, along the way when I was losing faith in our ability to purchase this home, my husband would say "if you have faith the size of a grain of a mustard seed you can say to the mountain 'be ye moved' and it will move" (Bible somewhere). I had faith, but I guess the mountain is just better off right where it is. In my disappointment, it takes more faith to accept that fact than it does to believe that if I just try a little harder I can still get my way! Who am I to order a mountain around anyway? So until I know where our next step is, I will just stand here in awe, and wait for the next big adventure to unfold.

When one door closes, a mother goes to the beach

Well, it looks like we won't be able to stay in our home and facing another move is overwhelming me.  We have been renting and trying to purchase this house via short sale and after a year of heartache, headache and hoops, some bozo lender negotiator got greedy and said "no" to an offer comparable with what the even nicer houses in the neighborhood are selling for.  It has been such a roller coaster ride that to have it end at a red tape brick wall is just really tough.  It is not officially over yet, but I hear the fat lady warming up.

I have not been handling the news well.  As far as those who are displaced go, we are the lucky ones.  This is not a foreclosure.  This is not a fire.  This is not hurricane Katrina.  This is just not getting what I want.  Somehow, the knowledge that I am being a big baby does not comfort me.  I still want what I want for my family and this made so much good sense!!

Through it all, my friends have helped me to see the bigger picture.  I recently likened this to being swept out to sea with all my friends on the shore hollering in, "it is shallow water, just stand up!" or "It's a rip tide, just relax and go with it!" or "It IS a great white shark but he thinks you are a seal and once he tears off your leg he will swim away!"   The bottom line is - they can see what I can not see in this sea.

Recently I heard a horrible story about someone my husband knew from work.  A mother and her young daughter were wading in shin deep water, got caught in a rip tide and swept out to sea.  Both were drowned.  This was devastating news of course, and upon hearing it, I vowed never to go to the ocean with my kids again.  I am from the Midwest, where people are sensible enough not to have an ocean.  My husband from NJ however, said, "you just have to know what to do in a riptide.  You relax and let it take you and spit you back out". (Again, why am I not comforted by this notion?)

However, I think that is precisely the voice of sanity in this news I have received about our house.  Let it take me and spit me back out!  The notion of spitting back out brings up another story of the sea.  I try to see the whales every year around mother's day when they are migrating north.  A couple of years ago we were lucky enough to find a pod of killer whales - a menacing, beautiful, street gang of the sea.  They were chasing this poor fat bird.  This pitiful creature whose name escapes me, seemed to be a cross between a duck and a pigeon and was half flying half running to get away from them.   I was watching this with the scientist on board and of course expressing my horror at the limitations of this poor flightless victim.  The guide said, "She could fly away if she would spit out her food".  Apparently, these guys gorge on the same fish that may attract the orcas.  They get so fat they can not fly, but by regurgitating they are once again airborne. BOY OH BOY CAN I RELATE! (On so many levels, but bulimia is not where I am going with this analogy or in my life).  I have to spit out my vision of this house, and my plan for the next 5 years, our neighbors, the home school community and worst of all my DREAD of moving again!  I need to just let the rip tide take me and spit me out where  I am meant to be. I need to be willing to spit out our stuff if we end up in a smaller house. I have to let go. Right now, I am spitting mad.  I need to  just stop at spitting.

I am standing at the closed door unwilling or unable to find the window of opportunity to scramble out of.  However, I am keeping my ear to the ground and my mind on the sea and my hands folded with the folded hands of those whom I have placed my soul's care.  Though I can not see the shore, the prayers and support of my friends has been a real life saver. I know I am buoyed by God and I firmly believe I am in good hands.  I just need to let go and let the waves take me where they will.