I've been thinking about the house a lot. It really stinks not to have what I want and envision, work out just as I wanted and envisioned it would.
It feels exactly like being dumped for the first time. Here I am with our future children all named, our names written all over my notebook, and a closet full of clothes he said I looked sexy in...and just like that it is over. I have no say nor control over it. How could he NOT see we were meant to be? I mean, we both like Billie Holiday and cherry Jolly Ranchers! My whole family likes him!! His friends all like me! How could my house dump me? Not only that, but with these showings, my house is dating around right in front of me! It is devastating to stand helplessly by, as people march through our stuff evaluating MY dream boat (house) before I even have a chance to get my record collection or sweatshirt back. What? People are going to decide if the house that I was not good enough for, is good enough for THEM?! And this house is just gonna LET THEM?!
Not only that but these people will conspire with my house against me and point out the mistakes I made in my treatment of it! I fear these people who are now seeing my house will hold me in contempt as they review the evidence left behind of how I lived with and gave my heart to this dream. Ok, maybe this metaphor is taking me too Glenn Close to PTSD (post traumatic stress dating), but it is pretty Glenn Close to how I really feel about losing this house!
Fortunately, I have more than my feelings to help me out of this hole. Somewhere inside of me I know I am giving FAR too much power to this thing. After all it IS just a thing! "What profit a man if he gain the whole world yet forfeit his own soul?" (In the Bible somewhere).
In general, I am pretty good at valuing people before things, but this time I have noble reasons for giving so much of myself to this thing. Even though I have not been able to do so effectively living in "limbo"; I wanted this house for the potential I see to nurture my soul, my family, and my friends.
That is precisely where I am missing the whole blessed point - I HAVE family and friends! So what am I doing wasting all my energy on a stupid house? Really, when it gets down to it, a house is just a big, expensive box to keep your real treasures in!!
So this was a big fancy box - big deal! In fact, if I end up with something without such a fancy exterior, I won't lose time fussing over the wrapping, or have to be so careful with it so that I can save it for another gift! The time is NOW! I can just rip that sucker open and get to the goodies inside!!
Yeah, I'm still disappointed. I loved that house and I am not ready to invest emotion in another. I'm sad and stressed about all the ways I will have to change course and all the effort it will take to move out and move on - particularly when I have no rebound house waiting in the wings!
Besides, experience in dating taught me that anyone who ever dumped me pales in comparison to the one who hasn't, and promises never will, dump me!!
While I am getting used to my new vision of the future, I vow to not let obsession over this box rob me of all the many precious gifts I have to enjoy and share!
Oooh...but darn, you should just SEE the back of this house...and the VIEW from inside just takes my breath away! Wait a minute - if I break it down, what I am really crying over is a window! Sure it over looks a mountain, but no matter where we live, that mountain will still be there and if I am not trying so hard to attain that window; I will be better able to see and appreciate the splendor of that mountain!
Ironically, along the way when I was losing faith in our ability to purchase this home, my husband would say "if you have faith the size of a grain of a mustard seed you can say to the mountain 'be ye moved' and it will move" (Bible somewhere).
I had faith, but I guess the mountain is just better off right where it is. In my disappointment, it takes more faith to accept that fact than it does to believe that if I just try a little harder I can still get my way! Who am I to order a mountain around anyway? So until I know where our next step is, I will just stand here in awe, and wait for the next big adventure to unfold.
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