Jillibee'sness

Building MOMentum

I am not agitated any more.  I am back to the old mom I have always been: able to handle multiple conversations with a single ear, able to leap to action and get kids dropped off on time, able to single handedly applaud the accomplishments of 4 children no matter how great or small.  (Can you applaud with a single hand? I can).  It feels like comfortable shoes.  I have comfort, support and mobility but not much to look at.

I have been broadcasting my demo jillibee.net, and published a chapter of a collaborative Facebook novel (or a novel Facebook collaboration).  I have network follow upped with a couple of people from the EXPO (putting off most of that cause that part feels awkward) and I've gotten some people lined up to put on a children's musical I wrote.  This should be happening this summer.  But if I want to really make some money I am going to have to do much much more than this.  I don't know just what, though.  I need to make some money doing what I love, so that I can have this home I love, to do more of what I am doing more comfortably.

We have thrown ourselves full boar into getting... this house. You thought I was going to say "swine flu" didn't you?  Full boar into getting swine flu seems more poetic, and more likely than getting this house; but it is NOT over until the fat lady sings.  AND I am hoping it is not over IF the fat lady sings.  (Incidentally I don't want to get anything with the word "swine" in it.  The only thing worse would be getting the "big ass pneumonia".  Or the "fat old lady syndrome").  It is fun to want things.  It is scary to want such BIG things and not knowing how it will come about.  It is faith time.  So much of this is out of my control. 

So I am trying to put one foot in front of the other (and keep both feet out of my mouth).  I am telling people what I want and working to have things that people will want from me.  I am trying to stay grounded with the kids without feeling like I have been grounded and sent to room without any fun. 

I have no point to this blog but I am hoping we can all point to this blog in a few years and say "remember back then, before all this great stuff happened and I was just starting to put myself out there?"  It is fun to hope and act in ways that are consistent with the life I want to live while I wait for the life I want to be living to be the life I have.  (Get it?)  :)  I hope I do!

NOW YOU CAN HEAR ME TOO!

I have a 4 song demo at Jillibee.net.  Eventually this will be a whole bunch of me, but for now, it is just the fat lady singing...but it's not over!!

From Mommyhood to Hollywood and back?

Last Wednesday I celebrated my daughter turning 12 and then packed up the car and drove all night to LA where I attended the ASCAP I CREATE MUSIC EXPO and stayed in the Renaissance Hollywood hotel ALL BY MYSELF!!! 

As an artist I have been feeling a little dry lately.  Life has been all about trying to buy the big house we are renting (via short sale), home schooling and trying to feel better with my daily aches and pains. I actually wondered if maybe the creative juice had been all squeezed out.  I almost didn't attend the EXPO because I have been so physically run down.  An interesting thing happened with each mile I drove South, I began to feel lighter and my thoughts began flowing and by the time I reached LA 6 hours later I was an artist again.  Despite the heavy demands on my body with long exhausting days in small uncomfortable chairs, I was able to function with the level of pain I was in.

The EXPO was a smorgasbord of musicians and creative people to meet.  There were mega stars (I will name drop some other time but if you go to the website you can verify this statement). I felt energized and alive and had no shortage of ideas or enthusiasm for the future.  I met some people in important places who believed I was important enough to consider going some place.  I believed them.

Then I came home.  The people I love most in the world were waiting for me in the house we are hoping to buy.  Today, back to the grind, I realize to my horror, that I am feeling distracted and agitated and like a pacing mama tiger in a short cage. I want to write.  I want to sing.  I want to talk to other musicians and bounce ideas around.  Instead I am trying to decipher 3 voices all coming at me at once, show proper enthusiasm for new tricks, play games I have played for 22 years as if I cared who wins, and send my thoughts out to my linear husband one at a time, slowly and patiently (instead of in a fire hose of words on top of the river of words the other creative person is sending out simultaneously). 

Even on a day where no one has to be anywhere or do anything, I found I was easily stressed.  I am hoping, in part, this is due to the uncertainty of our living arrangements and the fact that owner of this house is still showing it to others while our offer is being considered (or as I call it "dream stealing strangers are traipsing through my living room and perusing my pantry in front of my children").  I am hoping this is just the post event let down from such an exciting event. 

But it troubles me.  I just want to get back to my tribe.  I want to go make music and find hook lines and write well.  I don't know how to balance this strong desire I have, and have always had for my art.  This is precisely why I made the decision to put all my reproductive eggs in one basket and JUST be a mommy.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE MAKING MUSIC and serving my muse creating songs and shows!!  I think I love it too much.  When my kids were small, I remember a 12 hour day in the recording studio that felt like an hour.  My kids were both in diapers and I did not feel led to check on them all day (they were with my husband of course).  It scared  me, just as this feeling right now scares me.  I have chosen to be a half assed artist so I could be a full time mommy.  Now that I am considering being a full time artist again, I am not willing to become a half assed mommy. 

Chaka Khan was at the EXPO and talked of her regrets at having spent so much time away from her baby when he was young, having missed all "the firsts".  I know I would have those regrets too had I chosen to mother in a different way.  But I have been mothering in this way for nearly 22 years (although the first few years of my oldest son's life were divided between music and writing and working and school).  And I am tired.  And I hate to admit it, I am bored.  I have done this all before and seen where it leads (they grow up and leave).  I know I should be ashamed to admit this all, especially in so public a way, but I have promised to tell the truth so we could work it all out together.  Today, the truth is, I want some more shiny in my life. 

The good news is that we need some more shiny nickels to afford this house.  The plan  now is for me to get some creative income generating work.  That is a good motivation. That is a good justification for shifting the weight of mothering a bit and letting go of my need to do it all exactly as I think it should be done.  The family is supportive.  The stars seem to be aligning for me to start putting myself out there.  I just hope once I'm "out there" I will still be able to "be here" and everyone will shine brighter for it.

A Peaceful MOMent

I love being a Mom and I love these beings who made me a Mom, with a force more powerful than any I have ever felt or will ever feel. That said, 22 years is a long time at one career, even one as sacred as this one. I don't do "MOM" half way either, all my eggs (so to speak) are in this basket. I home school,nurse, and carpool (not all at once usually). I share my bed, my food, and my body with these delicious delightful parasites for as long as it is healthy for them that I do so. I feel called to this life, and I show up. I don't knock any other way to Mother, but my intuition and experience has guided me into this way.

That said, though I am hesitant to admit it, I have been feeling really burnt out lately. Maybe it's just a case of spring fever. It could also be related to my angst over the whole "where are we going to live?" situation. It could be the market, or more specifically-my husband's devotion to it. He works long hours in the market. (No, not the super market, the stock market). WHATEVER it is, causing it, I have felt restless and cranky and bored and guilty. (Moms are not allowed to feel anything but sacrificial love or a crack is made for guilt to seep through). I was certain last night, (as I expressed to my husband in one of those late night "let it all hang out and drown the poor S.O.B. in a "TYRANTial" down pour of words") that I would need to break away and get some "ME" time to relieve this restlessness I was feeling. Lucky for me, I have a ME weekend on the calendar- if I can just stay sane until April 23. Last night that looked like a long shot.

Today we went into San Francisco (LOVE IT) to buy my 13 year old son the much coveted sword from China Town (a Christmas present promise we had yet to fulfill). My 11 year old daughter was in a good mood after having been delighted to discover that her pink shirt with the glittered studs and the jeans with the glittered studs matched her pink cowboy hat with the glittered studs and her pink rhinestone cross necklace. My 4 year old bought and immediately broke, a $3.00 sword (which I spent over an hour fixing as soon as we got home. He was thrilled with the screw and duct taped improvement to the original model). The new DSI (Gameboy) came in and was available at midnight so we stopped by Game Stop on the way home for my son to buy it with the money he had been saving. While waiting for them to come out, my 22 year old called from Southern CA where he attends the Disney animation school (Cal Arts) to find out the title of the Pokemon episode he watched with his brother. He sounded busy and happy (I love what he is busy with - learning to animate)! When we got home, my 4 year old put on a black dance leotard, cowboy boots, a dog tag, his sword, and an "I mean business face"; certain that he was a fierce Ninja. Then all the kids went out with their sweet best friend (we have known since he was 6 mos old) and lit stink bombs and tried the patience of our neighbors with their enthusiasm.

If you made it through that paragraph, it may occur to you that there was absolutely nothing in this day directly for me. In fact, my day started with sitting in the sun for 2 hours watching my daughter kick butt at baseball and ended with me here on the computer 14 hours later. The only thing I can remember picking for myself today, was which topping to put on my frozen yogurt. Yet, as I sit here checking my Facebook (ME TIME - REAL TIME - BIG TIME), I am filled to over flowing with the joy of my vocation. This day has filled my children and if they remember it at all, they will remember it as a good day. It is a mystery to me how this works; but time and time again, just when I am certain my well has run dry permanently; some little simple miracle of motherhood fills it all back up and then some.

Having spread my kids out over so many years, I often wonder if there will be an ACT II for ME; where I get to just run wild with reckless abandon through my field of free will and endless opportunity (or any opportunity). I wonder if there will be a day when I spread these gilded wings of potential I have kept neatly folded- lest they knock all the brick-a-brack of domesticity hither and yon, and see how far I can fly. I don't suppose I am any different from any other mother on this point, except that my vision of "the golden years" involves a purple feather boa, rhinestones, and bawdy humor in some cabaret some where. There are no guarantees, in fact many would feel this is a sad hope to cling to in a world that prizes the young. However, at this moment, in this peaceful home with happy kids; I would not trade this lifestyle for anything. Tonight, I have found a small pocket of gratitude in which to breathe deeply a breath of fresh

Weighty issues on TV (and in my head)

This week on TV I watched Star Jones, Marie Osmond and Valerie Bertinelli on Oprah talking about the heart aches and victories in their battle with weight. They all seem to be in remission for the time being. 

Star risked her life getting her stomach cut open and sewn shut. She was remorseful about not telling the world about it nor sharing with the world how hard her life had been before.  Apparently the world had a right to all her deepest feelings.  Today she is feeling free to let the world in on those secrets that for some reason weight loss has given her the freedom to feel secure enough to share and because she is skinny now; people care enough to listen to.

Marie Osmond talked of the pain of being "that fat sister" of the talented Osmonds and being told to lose weight at 110lbs, so she starved to weigh 93. Now she is FREE at last and thanks to pre-packaged foods (and I suspect an endorsement) by Nutri-System, all that is behind her. Horrified at her Dancing with the Stars weight of 160-170 she has starved herself to a comfortable size 2-4. Thank goodness she is free from the pressure she felt to be thin when she was younger. (Can you see my tongue in my cheek?)

Valerie (I've always liked her) has a smoking body and is a star again in her bikini, thanks to Jenny Craig. Or is Jenny Craig the star again thanks to Valerie?  Or was it Kirstie Alley?  Hey what happened to Kirstie Alley?  Tabloids don't show her looking so good and since she is invisible again I fear they may be true.  Do people get to make fun of her again (though some never stopped)?  Should they have gotten to in the first place?  Weight, wasn't this supposed to be about Valerie?  What if SHE gains the weight back, will she go away again?

As I listened to the heartache and horrors of being a fat woman in Hollywood and the shame they felt in letting themselves become "THAT" (With all the tolerance preached on Oprah, Fat is still the "THAT" we don't ever want to become); I saw Oprah's shame and empathic pain. I felt my own, and remembered to feel bad about myself again. (Phew! I'd almost forgotten! And good thing too, I'm about to take some risks and have some fun. Wouldn't want to forget to pack this baggage to take along!)

I am about to go to Hollywood for my annual ASCAP conference. It is not all about me by any stretch, but I want to put my best foot forward as I meet and mingle with others in this industry, so I can be taking seriously as a pro. creator and not be dismissed as a pro-creator.  That means I really should take off some years and leave half of me at home.  In the previous years, I have had a budget for new clothes. (If you can't be thin or young, you'd better be rich). This year I feel older, poorer and fatter. I hate when that happens!  (As if I could ever feel young rich or thin enough!)

I wish I did not feel this pressure to change in order to be taken seriously.  Perhaps you think it is all in my head.  It is. Story after story of outrageous, out of context comments about how much better I would look and how much more successful I would be - thinner, are stored in my head from my very earliest days in this "business" up until last year. (I have always fluxuated between a size 12-18. Even at my heaviest I'm not Gilbert Grape's mother or anything. I'm just MOMish). (The mere fact I felt compelled to type that shows how bad I have this social disease about size BTW)!   Don't get me wrong, I want to change me, sure I do! I'll take that pill or drink from that fountain if they discover it.  But in the meantime, I need to call a spade a spade; and fat women are the new "black"; as in "African American" - who have been under represented or misrepresented for years.  It is ok to discriminate against fat women because they are invisible and trying to keep it hush hush. Well I'm going to have a hard time being quiet (at any weight) and don't like being ignored. (Can you TELL?)

In other words, since I can't do anything about myself at the moment, I think I will take on the industry standard that makes me feel like I should.  WHY is it so bad for a woman to be fat in Hollywood?  Art immitates life and the truth is, many of us women living life are fat.  Why is it THE THING you can not show in any meaningful way on television (unless it is a show about losing weight or dying from not losing weight?  Why are fat women so despised, ignored or ridiculed?  Is it because it is believed to be their fault?  Is it a kind of moral stand against self-destructive behavior?  Wait, this is Hollywood, who made "re-hab" a household word and one of the seasons in the life of a successful star.  I just don't know why women have a moral obligation to be thin and young in order to be depicted on television except sitting on Oprah or some other show talking about how they need help shedding the pounds or need applause for having shed them.

I'm happy for these women who appeared on Oprah.  I am happy for any woman who can shuffle off this mortal coil that makes life eaiser and longevity more likely.  Hollywood is tough. These three invisible women revived their careers by shrinking back to a size we can recognize!  (Though they can't lose age, so I fear it's a temporary fix.  But that is for another blog).

In contrast to the Oprah show, and the self-conscious feelings it evoked in me; Friday morning I saw Jack Black dancing on "Yo Gabba Gabba". At one point he was in a skin tight, bright orange jumpsuit. My kids and I were delighted by his giant bouncy belly. He was the picture of plump. And we loved him. I could sit here and come up with a dozen fat and aging men who have big bodies and big careers, and often star in movies where they "get the girl" (a thin and beautiful younger woman).  Why is it ok for men to age and put on weight but not women?  Is it because even if they have a lot of weight on them they refuse to BE it?  I mean, really, is that all we women can talk about? (And trust me, I KNOW I have a monotonous fat loop playing on my "I-BOD" so I am NOT casting stones!) 

Oh never mind. It is much too complex for me to unravel now. I'm too busy thinking about my upcoming weekend transition from motherhood to Hollywood to worry any more about the things I can not control. I have only 2 weeks to plan my outfits and activities and since that is not enough time to lose all the weight or age I would want to lose to be PERFECT, I am going to have to find something else to focus on.  Based on what I saw from the heavy hitters this week though, given the choice between the apologetic formerly fat Oprah guests and jumping Jack Black,  I think I will look for a bright orange, skin tight jumpsuit.  Life is short, I refuse to let anybody (even MY body) keep me from dancing.

Uh OH!

I meant no offense in my White Rage posts.  I especially meant no slur or slam to any race creed color or religion..or car model for that matter.  I was merely taking my experience of road rage and poor behavior and redeeming it in a pie in my face rhyming way.  I received a comment that unsettled me.  I do not want to inspire any kind of rage.  That was the point.  I let someone's big car angry horn inspire my angry middle finger which inspired her out of control behavior.  I fight fire with marshmallows so I ignored her, played show tunes and blogged.  Victimless crime I thought.  If I am mistaken I will take these posts down.  Sigh.  People are very tense at the moment.  My goal is to make people laugh and hopefully think about serious things in a lighter way.  That is how I cope with these things personally.  I do it publicly cause I have been encouraged to do so...and also because I figure if it helps me it will help others.  If it gets creepy I will stop.  The last comment got a little creepy for me.  Pure unadulterated racism which I unpublished. If my work inspires that then I will unpublish it as well.  It was meant to be a pie in my own face only.  If you read the comment that I unpublished it is not from someone I know or would like to know.  It was mean and hateful.  Sorry.  That is not my intention or way of life!  Honest feedback welcome.  Did I go too far this time?  (Please be nice though, I am thin skinned).