Last Wednesday I celebrated my daughter turning 12 and then packed up the car and drove all night to LA where I attended the ASCAP I CREATE MUSIC EXPO and stayed in the Renaissance Hollywood hotel ALL BY MYSELF!!!
As an artist I have been feeling a little dry lately. Life has been all about trying to buy the big house we are renting (via short sale), home schooling and trying to feel better with my daily aches and pains. I actually wondered if maybe the creative juice had been all squeezed out. I almost didn't attend the EXPO because I have been so physically run down. An interesting thing happened with each mile I drove South, I began to feel lighter and my thoughts began flowing and by the time I reached LA 6 hours later I was an artist again. Despite the heavy demands on my body with long exhausting days in small uncomfortable chairs, I was able to function with the level of pain I was in.
The EXPO was a smorgasbord of musicians and creative people to meet. There were mega stars (I will name drop some other time but if you go to the website you can verify this statement). I felt energized and alive and had no shortage of ideas or enthusiasm for the future. I met some people in important places who believed I was important enough to consider going some place. I believed them.
Then I came home. The people I love most in the world were waiting for me in the house we are hoping to buy. Today, back to the grind, I realize to my horror, that I am feeling distracted and agitated and like a pacing mama tiger in a short cage. I want to write. I want to sing. I want to talk to other musicians and bounce ideas around. Instead I am trying to decipher 3 voices all coming at me at once, show proper enthusiasm for new tricks, play games I have played for 22 years as if I cared who wins, and send my thoughts out to my linear husband one at a time, slowly and patiently (instead of in a fire hose of words on top of the river of words the other creative person is sending out simultaneously).
Even on a day where no one has to be anywhere or do anything, I found I was easily stressed. I am hoping, in part, this is due to the uncertainty of our living arrangements and the fact that owner of this house is still showing it to others while our offer is being considered (or as I call it "dream stealing strangers are traipsing through my living room and perusing my pantry in front of my children"). I am hoping this is just the post event let down from such an exciting event.
But it troubles me. I just want to get back to my tribe. I want to go make music and find hook lines and write well. I don't know how to balance this strong desire I have, and have always had for my art. This is precisely why I made the decision to put all my reproductive eggs in one basket and JUST be a mommy. I LOVE LOVE LOVE MAKING MUSIC and serving my muse creating songs and shows!! I think I love it too much. When my kids were small, I remember a 12 hour day in the recording studio that felt like an hour. My kids were both in diapers and I did not feel led to check on them all day (they were with my husband of course). It scared me, just as this feeling right now scares me. I have chosen to be a half assed artist so I could be a full time mommy. Now that I am considering being a full time artist again, I am not willing to become a half assed mommy.
Chaka Khan was at the EXPO and talked of her regrets at having spent so much time away from her baby when he was young, having missed all "the firsts". I know I would have those regrets too had I chosen to mother in a different way. But I have been mothering in this way for nearly 22 years (although the first few years of my oldest son's life were divided between music and writing and working and school). And I am tired. And I hate to admit it, I am bored. I have done this all before and seen where it leads (they grow up and leave). I know I should be ashamed to admit this all, especially in so public a way, but I have promised to tell the truth so we could work it all out together. Today, the truth is, I want some more shiny in my life.
The good news is that we need some more shiny nickels to afford this house. The plan now is for me to get some creative income generating work. That is a good motivation. That is a good justification for shifting the weight of mothering a bit and letting go of my need to do it all exactly as I think it should be done. The family is supportive. The stars seem to be aligning for me to start putting myself out there. I just hope once I'm "out there" I will still be able to "be here" and everyone will shine brighter for it.
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