Jillibee'sness

Familiar Ground

Happy Thanksgiving!!  On this Thanksgiving eve, I am listening  to the sounds of my children playing video games upstairs.  I am struck by the fact that I accidentally did a few things right in life.  I hear the tenor sound of my adult son's voice mingled with the falsetto squeaks of my 3 year old son.  I hear the now a tenor/then a baritone squeaks of my 13 year old son, interspersed with the alto strains of my only daughter.  At this perfect moment, they are all blending in perfectly improvised harmony. 

I was sitting on the piano a few minutes ago, trying to get the melody out of my head.  It had started in my dream from the nap I was just taking.  In this dream i was playing the violin publicly.  I am trained in viola (in real life).  What I mean by "trained" is that I carried it to school and back for 2 years and I hated every minute of it.   I was not meant to play harmony.  Once I discovered the attention I could get with my voice I put the viola away and I only played enough piano to accompany myself.  I regret not learning to listen better.  I would have understood how beautiful the supportive bass line could be. I might have enjoyed that important role better.  I might have worked and played more.

But I digress.  In my dream, I felt the pressure of the crowd as I contemplated tuning my violin.  I did not want to keep them waiting, but I was aware as I felt their gaze, that someone else had handed me this instrument and I would have to trust that they had tuned it first.  I could not be out of tune with the other instruments of the string quartet who were standing by.  I stood, undecided, and tried to figure out if I was in tune.  There was no frame of reference and I was keenly aware that even if I were accurate in my tuning, I would need to tune to the other performers while the audience waited. At some point it became clear that this was to be a solo act.  I decided to tell the audience exactly what was on my mind.

I said, "Someone handed me this instrument.  They have more confidence in my ability to play than I have.  I will attempt to play for you; but I will not play if I can not make it beautiful.  Don't worry, I will know pretty quickly if it is not going to happen."

I picked up the bow, it was strung thick with loose gray hair.  I put it to the violin with NO idea what I was going to play.  As I pulled the bow across the string it was not taught enough to make a clear sound. I knew this was not going to happen.  I announced to the audience that instead, I would sit at the piano and play an original composition.  The crowd erupted in applause and I breathed a sigh of relief.  I was on familiar ground.

Tomorrow I will prepare a massive Thanksgiving dinner for just my family.  I don't consider myself a good cook, but I can do Thanksgiving. I have been at this a while.  We will play games, someone will make music.  Maybe someone will join in.  Nothing new or interesting is expected or required.  I am thrilled by new challenges and adventures. I hope my body will let me have a 100 more years of them.  However, tonight, I am thrilling to the perfect 4 part harmony I helped to create.  This is sacred space. This is familyer ground. 

Happy Happens

My best moment of the day came because of my worst moment of the day.  I found out this morning that I had no reservation to the gala.  That is a six hour drive, and you KNOW how much energy I spent worrying about not getting dressed up - all for nothing!  So I got desperate and bold and I called my most famous friend.  He is famous because he is a warm, wonderful, genius, opera composer (leaving his name out so you don't all call him).  No one can not love him.  He cared enough about my silly problem to call his genius friend, Stephen Schwartz, on my behalf.  And that is how it came to pass that I got a call FROM STEPHEN SCHWARTZ - who cared enough about him and my silly problem to try to spend some of the hour before his show, FINDING ME A SEAT!  WHO DOES THIS? 

As I hung up from Stephen, helped my 21 year old do his homework (by suggesting something for the character he was animating) and I heard the happy sounds of my other 3 children from the other room - I felt like the most powerful person in Hollywood.  I have what I need AND what I want.  Who says you can't have your cake and eat it too?  I am having my cake, and my kids' cakes and whatever cakes anyone bakes for me to taste. Life is sweet!!

Happy Mama LA Critique

I just had a wonderful time at the Stephen Schwartz gala!!  As usual, I found myself wondering why I had worked myself up for this!  I am glad I did not get a hair cut or anything else cut! Don't get me wrong, it was really fun.  I am just annoyed at myself for giving this so much energy (and I do it EVERY TIME).

The kids and I spent the day at Chuck E Cheese and I spent the night staring at the back of Paul Williams' head! 

It was inspiring to hear Stephen talk about his work.  The singers were good, though I was not wowed by them.  That bums me out cause I like to be wowed and some of these women were wow LA/NY names to the other attendees.  It just did not happen for me.  It is not sour grapes.  It is just the opposite.  When I hear singers who blow me away like the singers of La Boheme at the SF opera the other night, I think, "Well, there.  See?   The world did not need me.  I could not have given them that!"  If it sounds like bragging, too bad.  I just did not hear anything vocally I could not do tonight. 

Jason Alexander was a no show but there was someone named Jason Graae who sang "Popular" from Wicked and that was a show stopper.  A Tony award winning singer Debbie Gravitte showed how a song should be sung with the song "Waitress" from Working.

This all made me want to play and keep doing my creative thing.  It was like art-church for me.  It did not make me want to be in Hollywood though.  I thought the women my age and above looked like those shrunken heads - but with big eyes and lips.  I don't like that look.  Most of the men seemed to share a secret handshake that I could never learn. (I will say no more about that).  Not much fat in Hollywood. I kind of miss it.  Maybe I will be fat-listed if I move here some day. 

Mostly I found that I was just really happy to be headed home to my kids and my jammas.  I am SO glad I went!  It was a joy, even by myself, to be around all that; even if it is just to remind myself that I don't need to have all that around me.

Procrastin hating

I am going to be driving to LA at some point tomorrow.  I am bringing the kids to be with my big kid.  Since I am going, I am going to go to the Stephen Schwartz birthday gala - where among other names I probably should know - I recognized Jason Alexander will be there.   There is a reception before and after.  I really want to attend, I just wish I did not have to be there. 

I am in a molting season.  I am between hair cuts, clothes, weights, makeup and nails.  I am falling in the cracks; not at all what I am cracked up to be if I am going to be parading myself around in public.  Oh sure, I know it is all about what is on the inside that counts.  I am all about the insides; it is just this inconvenient truth that women like me have to spend some time to look like a woman like me.  I would much prefer to march my insides around, but that is frowned on outside of hospitals and morgues. 

I know it is not fair.  Jason Alexander gets to look like him.  But I should NOT.  I fear lately I am coming closer to looking like him than any other celebrity I might prefer to look like.    I want to not care about this.  I want to care about this enough to do something about it.  But I do and I don't. This is why I am blogging about it instead of actually doing anything or committing not to do anything.

The reality is that this is all a silly head game.  If people even notice me, it will not be because of what i look like, unless I get it REALLY wrong (always a possibility).  The people I know have seen me in jeans (including Stephen Schwartz).  I will at least be in a dress.  But this is another problem.  If I take the time to get dolled up and no one notices me; I will be annoyed at the energy I put into it.  If I don't take the time to get dolled up and some one notices me; I will be annoyed that I did not put more energy into it.

The tune of "Garden Party" has just begun in my head.  "It's alright now.  I learned my lesson well. You can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself"

For LAUGHING OUT LOUD

PHEW!!!!!   My chiropractor FIXED MY FACE!!!  She was laughing lovingly at how twisted and beat up my jaw and skull were while she skillfully put my head on straight.  As I was celebrating with my kids and explaining (in content not words), that their real mother had returned to displace that lady who looked like me who did not like noise, chaos or children; I said, "I am soooo thankful Dr. Robin gave me my face back!!"

My 3 year old said, "Why did you want a different face?"

For those of you keeping score, I felt like exercising immediately after getting my face on.  OH PHEW!!

The appraiser stopped by this morning only 2 hours after I went to sleep and we had a wonderful chat while he surveyed the property.  I pointed out the flaws, a first for him as every other home owner wants to get a high appraisal.  As we came into our master bathroom I noticed there was a six pack of beer in my shower.  (Apparently these also made the picture that the Realtor took when she did her walk around).  Oh?  You don't drink in the shower?  Neither do I.  It was left over from a party we had 3 years ago and was stale so I was using it on my hair.  I swear!  Remember "body on tap"?

I could not have appeared to be more of a redneck if I were faking it!  I feel fairly confident I pulled off the "Inconvenient Renter" facade. Would you want to have me stage your house to sell?  I am hoping that the error of my ways will prove to be an accidental strategy to get us our house!

bits of news

I am happy to report that I have come in under deadline on my book job.  It is now in the hands of the ambitious interior designer collaborators to find a publisher. 

I am sad to report my face still hurts (I know, I know it is killing you).

I am happy to report that I am going to LA to see my big boy next week and then bring him HOME to fatten him up!!

I am excited to report that I may be going to a birthday gala for Stephen Schwartz while I am in LA.

I am amused to share a conversation my daughter over heard between a car pool mother and her chatty 8 year old son:

Son:  Oh Susan is in the play?  Well, me and Sam don't like her cause..

Mother: JASON!

Son: Oh, I mean Sam and I don't like her!!

The appraisers come tomorrow.  It is a strange irony that our messy house may work in our favor.  Like a reverse staging we did not clean a thing.  For this appraisal we will be playing the role of the untidy tenants who would make it difficult to show this property.  We are getting close to an answer on whether we will buy this house.

In other news, my husband's company is laying off people all over the place.  Too bad he chose business instead of something stable like entertainment. 

This is the news for today!  Except for the health report and financial projections, it has been a good news day.

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

I got dental work...4 crowns all on the same side of my face.  It took about 5 or 6 weeks.  And now...I have TMJ from hell!!!  My face hurts so bad I can not work out...I can't talk...(horrors) sing or concentrate!!   AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  

Who knew that TMJ can cause blurry vision, watery eyes, dizziness, sore throat, headache, facial muscle pain, teeth pain and ringing in the ears?  Apparently my ENT knew it cause he said I am a classic case.  FOR CRYING OUT LOUD can I PLEASE PLEASE catch a break?  I am feeling very sorry for myself because this is completely out of my control and makes going about my daily beesness impossible.   ARGH!!!!   So much for just saying "no" to drugs. 

I am just saying "no" to dentists.  I did not even want this work done!  She convinced my husband to convince me it had to be done.  NOTHING hurt when she started this ordeal.  Please someone tell me that you had this done and it only lasted a short time!  There is no way I could learn to live with this.  It feels like my face is on fire!!

At least my ankle which I screwed up in September has finally stopped screaming at me. Or has it?  Maybe it is the whole "hitting myself in the head with a hammer to stop the pounding in my hand" therapeutic response.  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Ona Roll

My 11 year old home schooler just got the role of Winnie the Pooh in the play by that name (Dean Lesher in February for you locals).  She is thrilled and I am thrilled for her.  She was at play practice and I asked about some boy we knew who was also in the play.  I detected some trouble in her voice and asked, "What was the problem?  Was he mean?"

Daughter: No, not mean, just ignorant.

Mom: (surprised, knowing this kid to be smart) Ignorant?

Daughter: Yes.  He just ignored me

Same daughter after a day at the amusement park formerly known as "Marine World". 

Mom: I can't get used to calling it Discovery Kingdom after all these years.

Daughter:  It is a better name though. It has nothing to do with the marines.  (Yes.  It has whales and dolphins and seals...but they are not navy seals)

A musings

I spent the day at an amusement park with 3 of my kids and my favorite loaner kid. It was a really fun day and I was relieved that whatever it is I have been sick with for the past six weeks is going away (I suspect I just kept catching something back from whichever family member I had just passed it to instead of having a big long something I kept to myself).  My body was incredibly well behaved today.  I did not hurt, I walked all over the place for 6 hours and I even did a slow jog to the roller coasters.  Some of the seats fit me like an ass glove and in one of the coasters I had to squeeze my selves together in a way that would have made me very popular at the Renaissance faire (I put my breast self forward).  Yet, I did fit and I was fit so I felt great.

Then I watched The Biggest Loser.  I know I would do really well on that show if my back were not such a deal breaker and I could feel good about leaving the family to be that focused on memememe.  I would love to run at this weight thing with that much intensity.  I hope one of these days I can give that kind of undivided attention to getting trim and fit. I hunger for thinness when I see these people looking better each week and I know what is possible for me.  When I hunger I feel fat. 

True, I am getting stronger weekly with the consistent slow and steady workouts.  Sure, I have remained mostly injury free by listening to my body and modifying my program to suit my handicaps. Of course after 15 weeks of this, I am pretty certain this is a change I will sustain over my lifetime.  Sure, now that I have thrown my scale away and silenced the bitch in my head I feel better about myself than I have in years; but I want my cheekbones and jaw bones and collar bones to jut out.  I want that small swell of a tummy instead of the wall sized belly of a gummy bear.  I want to look at pictures and see the REAL ME instead of the real older me.

Oh.  There it is.  Did you see it?  The REAL issue.  I am older.  It seems I have been so busy helping my kids grow older that I have not stopped to notice I was growing right along with them.  Apparently, we don't all age like Demi Moore or Madonna.  (I doubt Madonna really ages like Madonna either).  Tonight, while looking at an unflattering picture of a very happy me on a coaster, I started to take inventory of the changes I would need to make to improve my appearance: teeth whitening, maybe finally coloring my virgin hair..oh yes and losing all that weight and then getting surgery to tighten up the parts that threatened to reveal my true identity.  The thought of the time, money, and energy I would need to expend to get that to happen took away the feature on the picture of this woman/me I am most proud of and have worked so very hard and long to acquire: my full faced-crinkle eyed smile.   This smile I saw on my face today came from the inside out and I promise you has never been worn so confidently in my entire life. 

Maybe it is possible to have one of those smiles before your 40ish birthday, but I doubt it.  It was not possible for me.  Sure, when I look at the pictures of a younger fitter me, I see a nice smile.  I was nice.  But pictures can not capture depth.  The smiles in my pictures now are much deeper, richer, and gratifiying than the ones I used to wear because I have learned how precious a smile is.  In gratitude, I treasure and protect this happiness, which is why I am not going to engage in the risky smile endangering game of: "what could I do to me to be more perfect?" or the spin off "how can I reclaim my misspent youth or at least look like I never lost it?"   Life is too short...and fat...to miss!! I won't spend another time on it! 

Unsettling Dust

The dust is settling from this historic election and I find some of what the issues stirred up in me to be unsettling.  I decided to really participate in this year's election by starting with an open mind.  I fought to keep my mind open till the final hour.  I ignored the hype and watched the debates and held several of my own.  I intentionally took the opposing political side when I was in safe company to do so, just to be certain I got the best reasoning my friends had to offer and I dug beneath the rhetoric to see where the passion was born. 

I felt conflicted every step of the way because I just have this annoying ability to adopt both sides of every issue.  In the final hour, I allowed the only issues in which I can not find neutrality to make the decision for me.  I am thankful that my issue has been solidified and my resolve to work for change has been strengthened.

I am happy with the results of the election because I am happy that our country can change.  I am happy that we as a nation can claim a victory over the race glass ceiling.  I am happy that we all can voice our opinions and see those voices count. I am happy that in one generation we can undo the injustice of the lottery of birth.

You may notice that I am not telling you whom I voted for or what my big issue became.  I can't tell if this shows maturity or cowardice that I finally came to the conclusion that what I did in that poll booth is my business (OK, I'll tell - I scratched "for a good time call 1-800-you-suck" into the desk).  I have seen friends become estranged from one another over the issues and I watched people on both sides of the issues become marginalized by what they were saying in words or in how they were living their lives.  I suspect that in one of my impassioned raves I might have strained or damaged an important relationship...or at least created an awkward silence I will have to contemplate.

In the end, I am glad everything was not won or lost by one vote.  In the weeks preceding the election I felt that my decision was that powerful.  I still wrestle with the parts of me that are conflicted and wonder about the diverse population that represent my nearest and dearest.  I felt when I entered the polling booth that my choices would create an awkward loud silent internal hypocrisy when I was with one group or the other.  We all have that desire to play the Sesame Street Game in social groups ("one of these things is not like the other...one of these things just doesn't belong...")  

I will strive to stay involved and engaged and even allow myself to be sucked into debate for the sake of understanding the big picture.  And in the small picture I will continue to work hard at voting my conscience every day, and just say "yes" to compassion, generosity and life.  That is the only way I can resolve the deep desire I have to make both parties of all my friends right. (or left)  And Lord knows I love a party with all my friends!!  (Which was another thing I liked about this election result, all those happy people celebrating has to be good for USa!)