Jillibee'sness

Whether report

I can't help myself lately, I am just happy.   I want to be worried about the election.  I am not. I want to worry about our economy but I know having been very poor for a lot of years, that is not the biggest threat to my security.  I have had a cold for the past 4 weeks off and on in various shapes and symptoms, but it is nice to be well enough to notice the inconvenience of being a little under the weather instead of living in the eye of the storm on a daily basis.  I have heard the Christians predicting the end of the world is very close.  Even that does not phase me lately.  Whether it is the end of the age or the age of Aquarius makes no difference in the way I am living my life these days.

My kids are making me proud and keeping me entertained, I am getting paid and invited to entertain people, my body moves enough to keep my endorphins flowing in the right direction, my husband has a job that he spends too much time on; but our marriage is in a place where I am sad about the time he is gone but since our finances are not gone, I am learning to be happy about his devotion to the job. 

I know the winds of change are threatening to knock us off our feet.  I don't want to be insensitive for whistling a happy tune when I am supposed to be singing a requiem.  I do know how scary it is to be poor.   I do know how difficult it is to lose the security of a house (in my case I never really had it) and to face an uncertain financial future.  I think that precisely because I have experienced those trials I am able to stand firmly in this place of gratitude.  It is easy for me to say now, and I don't want to go back to those days of fear and insecurity financially, or physically, or maritally, or parentally, or anydarkotherally; but I am even thankful for those very tumultous times because they make this air of calm sweeter.  My faith is stronger and my priorities are clearer.  If after the storm you have a God you trust more, a husband you appreciate more, a family you cherish and friends who stuck by you in the tempest, it should renew your sense of optimism even as the winds of the next storm threaten to blow.  Come what may, it is comforting to know that this wind too shall pass.

I have a secret

I probably should not tell anyone this.   That is why I have decided to tell everyone.  Despite all the reports of mayhem and devastation, despite the blood bath on wall street that my husband in the brokerage industry mops up and tries to tourniquet with his settlements and regulations and despite the fact that the prognosis for our future as a nation, perhaps a world, is grim...I am happy.  There I said it.  I am always bucking the trend, swimming against the current, rebelling without a cause.  I was poor in the prosperous 80's and sexually repressed in the 60's (ok I was younger than 9 but still...).  AND now, for the first time in my adult life, I am in close proximity to owning a home in the most beautiful state I have ever visited (let alone lived in). 

Not only that, but the people I love are all alive and healthy today.  I am alive and healthy enough to exercise a whole lot.  I threw away my scale because it was not doing anything I asked it to.  I decided that it was like lifting the lid on the rice cooker.  My evil glare is not going to make that needle go to a number I can live with and who says I need to live by the numbers anyway?  OR if I do, I can choose which numbers to live by and my blood pressure is 116/74.  I pick those numbers. 

Not only that, but I am getting paid a reasonable amount of money to write a funny book about something I am interested in learning.  (Don't questions my credentials just because I am learning on the job, please).  I am singing enough to still feel comfortable calling myself a singer.  I am "giving back" to the next generation by teaching and directing kids in opera.  I am also playing house with kids and calling it theater! 

My younger kids are smart enough and I am teaching them what I think they should learn in the way they want to learn it and my older boy is in the college of his dreams learning how life in the human race is run and making me prouder with each scrape and bruise he endures along the way out there in the "real world". 

My husband of more than a decade and I still laugh at the same things sometimes and feel bad when we notice how long it has been since we have.  We both do a lot of crap we don't want to do for each other and marvel at how over time it makes our family a club I would want to join if I were not already a life time member.

I am old enough to be too tired to sustain a hunger for things beyond my grasp and young enough to believe there are more adventures awaiting.

AND I have enough friends that I am always behind to repay a kindness shown to me or show reciprocal support and the friends I have kept over the 44 years I have been gathering friends far out number the few who have fallen away in the twists and turns of life and love.

I know I am supposed to be scared.  I know I am supposed to be hungry.  I know I am supposed to be prepared to be scared and hungry, but I just can't seem to get around to it.  I'm sure there will be plenty of time for me to feel those things.  Perhaps I have just invited a curse by declaring my joy.  Perhaps I am being insensitive to those who are hungry and scared as I have been many times over the years.  I suppose the papers and all the experts about the future are right and I am wrong to feel the way I feel.  So, let's not spread the happiness around, ok?

ei ei NO!!

I found my issue!!!!!  I am voting against stacking farm animals like a living totem pole!   If I could do it I would vote "YES PLUS" to banning this practice!!!  (I love how you vote "no" for "Yes" and vice-versa).  I am so happy!!!  I KNOW WHAT I BELIEVE!!!  Oh if only we could put farm animals in all the issues, then I would know exactly how to vote.  I am SO against sheep marriage!!  If only pork belly spending were literal! Oh how I wish I were choosing between an actual donkey or an elephant to lead our country.  For now, though, I will celebrate this victory over the filibuster in my head and vote "neigh" on cruelty to animals!!

Factshun

Everyone is very passionate about the country right now.  I have found myself in a cross fire of strong opinions and my usual response of mentally taking the opposite side to find the middle is failing me. I am forced into a position I never wanted to be in...(the fetal position).  I am going to have to "do the research" which, by the way is something people who are passionate all say after they spend a lot of energy trying to convince me to "check the facts" which is something they say after spouting lots of opinions. 

I want to avoid the facts.  Facts make me think bad things about people.  It is scary to think bad things about people in leadership.  Facts make me notice differences in people.  Facts make me feel grossly inadequate because no matter how much time you have to "do the research" there are always more facts out there to change your opinion.  Facts make my passionate friends and family say things like "You'd have to be an IDIOT to vote for...", "How could ANYONE review the facts and not vote for....?" 

Most decisions I make can be based in narcissism.  If it happens to me, I know what I believe.  If it happens to someone I love I know what I believe.  If you happen to be someone I love and you believe something, I want to believe what you believe.  THERE!!   Right there!!!  Did you see it?  That's my problem!!!

Some how going along with what my favorite person in the world (at the moment) believes, even if I do so by not going against it, and then sneaking off behind the curtain to vote the opposite feels really hypocritical.  With all these strong minded people strongly stating THE OBVIOUS..I want to dig deep and find out what is so darn obvious that all these strong minded people are encouraging me to discover so that I can join the fun and disagree about it with them. 

It's not enough anymore to want to vote for Obama so I can say I made history and he is in my age demographic more or less, or to vote for McCain so I can say I support veterans and he is the age of all the grown ups I trust.  I want to vote for Biden because he has a great smile and was nice to Palin.  I want to vote for Palin cause she is quirky and charming and has babies on stage.  I think Biden and Palin are much more attractive than the presidential candidates; but not because of their record in office or their credentials.  I meant that literally. I think they are prettier people.  Can you decide not to vote for someone because he looks like a weathered Casper the Friendly Ghost?   Can you decide not to vote for someone because he looks a little like Curious George with bigger ears? 

I could end every discussion I am in by saying these kinds of things. I could effectively change the whole argument from "Who is the best candidate and how can I win another vote for my side?" to  "How can Jill be such a shallow idiot and what will become of our country if Jill and people like Jill continue to have the right to vote?" 

Guess what - I am not done yet.  I like George Bush for all the reasons people make fun of him. I like the goofy way his mouth curls and that nervous laugh and wink and point thing he does.  I like his mother.  In fact, I loved Biden's mother for the few seconds I saw her on the debate.  I would totally vote for an 82 year old woman if she were running. 

Then I watch scenes of the war and I think of my son and I decide that I will cast a strong vote against whoever it is that invented war.  That guy is totally not getting my vote.  Neither is the guy who is for poverty, sickness, hunger or murder.  I'm clear on that.  Now which one was that again?

I AM the IDIOT that the pundits count on to manipulate.  I don't have time or energy to REALLY delve beneath all the layers of rhetoric and passion of every person running. I don't have time to dig deep enough into the morals and psyche of each person running to find out who they REALLY are.  I don't even have enough time to do that with the people in my daily life, or family, or head.   I don't have time or energy to look at all the bills set forth and find the hidden nuance that would trick me into voting for the exact opposite of what I would want.

So I notice how Sarah Palin wears that bump on the back of her head and I wonder what she's hiding in there under that interesting bun/pony tail hybrid. 

While I have a few weeks to ponder my decision and the responsibility of my vote and I duck and cover my ears when I see a zealous "either party" supporter running my direction; I think I will continue to comfort myself with the lyrics of Stephen Schwartz from the song "Wonderful" from Wicked.  I will leave you with these because it makes me feel smarter than I deserve because I think I actually know what he meant (and you GOTTA love that man's ability to turn a phrase!)

"There are precious few at ease with moral ambiguities and so they act as if they don't exist". 

What I did last week

Last week I did everything I do.  On Saturday I sang 3 arias in a benefit concert.  That went really well although the whole day I was nervous and ridiculous.  On Tuesday I had to present my work to the collaborators for the book I am writing.  That went really well, except that all that day I procrastinated and was ridiculous when my printer failed. Wednesday I had to present an opera workshop to about 20 kids (Operoni-Just add Laughter and Stir).  After that I had to begin the process to direct the kids in a version of La Boheme for Arts in the schools with SF opera.  That went really well except that I stayed up all night and was ridiculous when the printer STILL did not work.  I was still mothering including a trip to the pediatrician for my 3 year old's shots, long distance mothering to my 21 year old (whether he likes it or not), and home school mothering for my 11 and 13 year old kids.  AND I got a tooth capped and my husband who works in the market bathed in the blood that is this current economy. 

I had a wonderful week.  It is rare that all the things I do happen in the same week.  I was hoping that I would be able to say without question what I liked best and thereby decide to only do that.  I like directing least of all.  Singing is a toss up with writing and mothering for number 1.  I was reminded of something Elaine Stritch quoted in her stand up routine.  She said she could relate to what the prostitute who worked on the third floor of brothel once said, "It's not the work, it's the stairs!"

I think I would like to do everything I am doing but just sleep until an hour before I had to do anything. If I did not have time to think about everything or obsess about my nails or what I am going to wear or where I put the things I need in order to do what I need to do..it would be much more fun.  Some day when I am only doing one or two things at a time it might be surprisingly easy.  In the mean time, I feel lucky that my body is permitting me to do it all.  Like the prostitute said who...  Oh never mind.