Last night the sunset was gorgeous. Today the weather was incredible. It helped, but I hurt like crazy when I woke up and cried and had a big pity party of frustration that I am so bullied by my pain and limited in my movement. My husband listened patiently and empathetically for the few minutes he had as I chased him around our room while he was getting dressed for work. But it felt worse that MY pain in the ass was potentially his pain in the ass.
Then I talked to my dear little Brown Bag friend (from a blog several years ago) and we laughed a lot. ("Oh what a bi-polar morning!") Then I felt better. After hearing my deep thoughts on being sick and reflecting on the blog I recently posted with the profound message about the truth one can hear from the burning bush in times of extreme trials: "I AM is the only peaceful answer to the questions asked from the fire", (jillibee blogged, feeling full of herself); I asked my friend how her marriage was these days.
In no uncertain terms she let all her frustrations rip in a long run on sentence of pent up niceness. "Wow" I said, "You don't beat around the bush." She answered, "Nope! I just walked right through it. Annihilated it. Tore it up from the roots." And then it was decided that the voice from this type of burning bush says, "I know you are but what am I?!"
After I hung up the phone I got a call from a dear old friend whom I have not seen in 21 years. I enjoyed how it felt to be in my 20's in his mind's eye yet with the security and wisdom of having lived the full (and I do mean full) 21 years since we last saw each other. It was a wonderful conversation as only old friendships can produce. Not having to lay the ground work of who we ARE we can cut straight to the burning bush questions of mid-age: "How the hell did I get here and just how long will I be here and why didn't anyone tell me the desert would be so hot?" It was fun and when I hung up, what was behind me did not hurt as much anymore. Co-incidentally neither did my back.
I had a good laugh with my collaborator for my Digital Juice lyric writing job and felt brilliant in an easy sort of way. (It's amazing to have been perceived as shining through my cloud of sick this week). (By the way, the brilliance I felt is in direct proportion to this gifted man's ability to stroke just the right part of the ego to get me to lay golden eggs).
I saw my back doctor later in the day and learned that according to the MRI there is indeed a new disc acting up and apparently this can cause all kinds of pain and nerve chaos (there are now about half a dozen of these suckers screwed up). The good news is that the goo in the discs that oozes out and causes the inflammation and pain will eventually all ooze out and though I won't be doing back bends, I will not hurt as much as I age. Trust me, in a compromising sort of way this is a kind of good news.
I am still waiting to hear from other doctors and tests but this is enough to already set my mind at ease.
So today I have learned that in my back, the discs stick out and cause inflammation which makes things a chaotic painful blur till mysteriously with time they just settle down. And in my life, the pain sticks it to me and causes inflammation in the nerves of my spine (and gets on my nerves in general) infects the dynamics of my family, social life, emotions and spirit in a blur of fear and frustration. And so far the only real answer to this slurry of pain is "inflammation".
Apparently "Inflammation" is the only medical answer to the questions asked from the burning back. Thankfully, laughter the best medicine for any of life's burning questions, is abundantly available without a prescription.