I have not been having too much fun lately. I am ready for my husband's layoff to lay off already. We love each other, but I think spending too much time together is not such a good idea anymore. Things are complicated for us. We're in a mixed marriage. I'm right brained (duh) he's left. I'm a night owl, he's a lark, I’m emotional he like Spock believes that "logic is tranquility", he's introverted and I am way out there. I'm type B he's type A. I'm "Goofus" he's "Gallant". (Remember the old Highlights magazine characters? "Goofus gets up late, runs around looking for her clothes and misses church! Gallant went to bed early, laid his clothes out the night before and is the first one in the pew"). This mixed marriage is feeling more and more mixed up with each passing day.
The stress of the Venus/Mars household is getting to be a big pain in Uranus. I've been doing all the right things to manage my stress, of course eating lots of sugary stuff, staying up even later than usual (which is REALLY late or rather early), watching t.v. taking naps. Until recently, when I got really desperate and started working out again and gave up all my precious white foods. I think I am trying to shrink enough to slide out under the door when he is not looking. I don't have anywhere I want to go necessarily, I just don't feel like sticking around to find out how all this turns out. So I go on a lot of walks.
Now before you worry about my kids or my marriage, let me assure you that unfortunately I married a very virtuous man. It is hard to find a man like this. It is even harder to lose a man like this. He married a very loyal wife (if you can overlook my need to paint a caricature of him and publicly slam that image). We're not going anywhere and are going to continue to grit our teeth and roll up our sleeves and get our finger nails dirty in the grime of happily ever after. That's what love is, right?
I am troubled by the knowing nod I get from so many women who have retired husbands or from others who have been in my situation. Turns out almost no one likes being stuck in a house with someone big enough to talk back to them. I had always assumed that all our marital problems could be solved with more time together, a big enough house, and just enough money to cover the basics. Back when I first signed up for this but before we had a chance to test this theory, it seemed that all our little differences were really just exciting vast terrains for us to explore. Turns out neither of us like to travel. We would rather just hang out in our own terrain and be applauded for our landscaping.
Over the years, we've been busy using our complimentary skill sets to make well-rounded kids (and a well rounded Mom I must admit). We are great at parties because while I work the room he gets the full story of someone whose name he has no problem remembering. In our best moments together we are funny and lively and willing to try new things. Problem is, we don't spend our best moments together often enough. Those moments go to all the widgets of our lives so that the conversation we usually have goes like this, "So, did you pay the widget? I need the receipt." "Ok. Did you schedule the widget? I did not see it on the calendar?" "Gotcha. I found the widget that goes with the broken widget". "Wonderful. I've noticed the widgets are getting brown lately". "The kids need widget widget widget widget" I don't have much patience for widgets. (Read Widgets for Jesus I wrote a while back if you don't believe me). My husband likes crossing widgets off his "to-do list". So, my widgets have multiplied and even though I have more help with the daily widgets my energy for widget management has diminished.
I can imagine there are a lot of people who have absolutely no sympathy for me. In fact, I suspect there are many people who might consider me a spoiled immature person. The bitch in my head told me that much. It's not really that I dislike all widgets. I work very hard on widgets that make sense to me. Widgets I gets don't get to me. It's other people's widgets that do me in. Widgets that are foreign just wear me out especially when I am expected to attend to the widgets according to the manufacturer's instructions and those instructions are in another language.
I don't have an answer for all of this. I suspect that soon my husband will get a job and he can wear out his widgets elsewhere. When that day comes, I will probably be blogging about the good old days when all I had to do was sit around and contemplate the way that he drove me so crazy that I had to sit around and contemplate it. Until then you can catch me in that old classic "Widget Goes Walking".