I just had a GREAT DAY in the recording studio!!! WOW! Ok, so my voice was almost non-existent, but that did not stop me. I just used it to my advantage and chose songs that a senior citizen or a character actress would sing. For you singers out there (we all are really) I learned how to get by with less and how lazy I usually am with a voice that does pretty much what I ask it to. I understood all the fuss made over breathing and diction and phrasing etc... It can really take you a long way to compensate for a lack of sound. Today was 8 hours of solid hard fun. I worked as hard at this as anything I do, but the time flew by. It struck me mid-way through, when I hit an energy wall on 2 hours of sleep with a fever and a sore throat, after a zillion times coming in at the wrong time on a song I wrote, that on any other job this would have been a sick day. Wheeeee!!
Thus proves my theory about dolphins. I have held a lot of "day jobs" in my life. I have had lots of days where I hated what I was doing but did it anyway. Mondays are twice as early on those kind of jobs. These are the jobs when you unofficially punch your emotional time clock at about 5:00 p.m. Sunday. Like a weekly rain on the weekend parade, you usher in that sick feeling that the best part of the week is over. On one of these Sundays I thought about dolphins. (Naturally). I am fairly certain dolphins never feel this way. Never on a Sunday or any other day.
No one works harder than a dolphin. But you never hear a dolphin sigh, "Oh crap. Tomorrow's Monday. I have to jump up and flip and go "eee eee eee eee" and skate across the water all cute. Maybe I'll just call in." I think dolphins are loveable because they are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing, flipping and celebrating and having fun while they get wherever it is they have to go. I love that dolphins are out in the ocean being cute and putting on a show even though no one but God sees them doing it. They just have to. So do I.
Once I understood this, I vowed to not stop searching for my "real" job until I felt like Flipper. (No, flipping burgers and pancakes is not the kind of flipper I want to be). I approach my time with my kids this way, as much as humanly possible. When I get it right, the power struggles over stupid things lessen. When I am burnt out mommying, it's because I am not taking enough time to be a marine mommal. (ok, that was probably not the best place to use that pun, but I was distracted by my desire to use this word and was not going to be able to focus until I did). I think everyone has something that makes them flip and dive like this.
It's amazing how much housework I got done this week while processing or procrastinating working on my songs. It's surprising that with a complicated lyric problem to solve, I hardly remembered to be annoyed at what anyone around me was not doing well enough to please me. All I felt was gratitude and that good kind of stress that feels like living. I was engaged.
Engaged is a great word for how I feel. Like being engaged to be married, I felt committed to an unknown act that I was certain would have positive and life changing ramifications. I was not sure how I would approach the huge list of tasks associated with getting ready for the big day (in this case, I have lots of big days, but today was the first of them). I focused completely, daily and ate this elephant one bite at a time until the day arrived and I arrived to the day with lots of lists and lots of ducks in a row, though many had their feet on backward. The day was nothing like I planned, unfolded according to its own circumstances, and the character of the day was shaped by what was not perfect as much as by anything else. I don't know what comes next, but I know it is the start of how I want to spend the rest of my life.
I don't know if I get to. I don't know if this is the first of, or the only. I don't know if it is a highlight or a step up to a higher life. I just know it feels great to be on the front burner working on projects that have been wasting away neglected for many many years. I feel very very lucky getting to be a dolphin AND my husband is happy being me for now. My kids are enjoying the change of face with a dad that usually has that drawn, tired look of a man who "gave at the office". So far, it is win-win-win.
The challenge will be to keep the bitch out of my head when I actually listen to what I put down today. It is so far from perfect, and I will be tempted not to share it with people. I wonder if dolphins have bitches in their head. I don't know about you, but I have never seen a dolphin flip or dive and thought, "not her best work". I have to remind myself to get over myself. Wheeeeeee!!! Or should I say "eeeee eeee eeeee eeeeeee?!"